" One day, Jesus was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret, with the people crowding around Him and listening to the word of God. He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little from shore. Then He sat down and taught the people from the boat. When He had finished speaking, He said to Simon, "Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch." Simon answered, " Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets." When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to tear. So they signaled their partners to come and help, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink. When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus' knees and said, "Get away from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man." For, he and all his companions were astonished at the catch of fish. Then Jesus said to Simon, "Do not be afraid; from now on, I will make you fishers of men." So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed Him." [ Luke 5: 1-11].
Have you ever tried to catch a fish? Most of us find it much easier to talk about "the one that got away." My great-grandfather was a sea captain on a deep sea fishing vessel. It was a back-breaking -- and terrifying-- business. My great-grandfather and his men could return to home port with a hold teeming with fish-- or with nothing at all. And many men could easily be lost at sea.
This is as good a metaphor for life as can be. Exhilarating, risky, with the possibility of a big catch, or on the other hand, devastating losses.
How easy it is to believe that we are alone, and that we face daily trials with no Help. But how impossible it seems to believe God, when He calls us to trust Him.
A few years ago, my father died suddenly. The way things worked out, I seemed to be the one in the best position to move my mother near me and to care for her. She could not drive and she could barely walk. She could no longer live alone.
After a lifetime of cruel misunderstandings and harsh words from my mother, it seemed impossible for me to take her back. She had mistreated me, she had rejected me, she had abandoned me.
But, how could I do the same to her?
I did take her back. But I found myself getting angry. I wanted to yell at God. I would silently scream, 'But God, this is too hard!'
At the same time, I felt myself drawn closer to God. I was confused. My family had always wanted me to believe that there was no God.
Not really knowing what I was doing, I went to see a priest. I told him everything that my mother had ever done to me. I said, "I want to get angry at God, but I think it is not nice to be angry with Him." The pastor said, "Go ahead and get angry with God. He is big enough, He can take it." I said, "I think I should pray but I don't know how. No one ever taught me." The pastor said, "Go to a quiet place and sit and talk to Him".
I went back to the priest. I said, "I think God is calling me closer to Him. But with my mother in my house everyday, blaspheming God and ripping apart Catholics, how could God call me to Him NOW? Why couldn't He have done it 15 years ago, when it was so much easier and she was not in my life?" He smiled. I said, "Maybe God knows that I cannot take care of my mother without Him?" Then, I blurted out, " I think I want to convert."
I started to pray about conversion. Back I went to the priest. I said, " How can God call ME? I am only a wife and a mother." He said, "The disciples were only lowly fishermen." I said, "What can I do for God? I am only a woman?" He said, "Mary said the same thing!"
I prayed some more. Then I went back to see the priest once again. I said, " You do not understand, my mother would kill me if she found out that I am converting. (I had been hiding my Bible and Catechism books when my mother came over to my house.) The priest said firmly, "Your mother has nothing to do with this! "But", I blurted out, "I am losing friends over this! They want the "old me" back." He said, " The disciples left everything behind, they left friends, they even left family, to follow Jesus. These so-called friends were not your friends to begin with." I said, "Maybe I could keep the old friends and just keep things superficial?" He said, "No, you are different. You want to go deeper."
It was then that I got very close, oh so close, to conversion. But I went back to the pastor. I said, "I don't think I can do this!" He said, "Well, you can run, but you cannot hide." I think that I had reached the point where Simon Peter was: so awestruck at God's Power, that I could not imagine being that open to Him. I wanted a way out of this.
Yes, it was so; I felt unworthy. The pastor said, " God has been very patient with you. He has waited for you during your whole life. But He will not force Himself on you. He will simply wait."
I thought that God would back off a little, and give me some space. But, instead, His calls became even more insistent. I did not understand His timing--at all. I simply had to trust Him. Finally, I said yes. I made my First Communion only weeks after my son's First Holy Communion.
A few short weeks after, my best friend died. I was able to receive Communion at her funeral. That felt right. It was right.
And then, about a year later, my mother died. I went to church the day after her funeral, and I received the Eucharist. That was so right, too.
Jesus had called me to cast my net into deeper water. I had dug deep to take my mother back. I had relinquished my superficial friendships, in favor of going deeper into my soul, towards what really mattered, my deeper self. I had trusted that Jesus would be there for me.
Do you dare to cast out your net and put out into deeper water? Do you dare to listen when Jesus says, "Do not be afraid. Come follow me?"
(c) Spiritual Devotional 2013. All Rights Reserved.
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