The Benefit of Doubt

" When it was evening of that day, the first day of the week, and the doors of the house where the disciples had met were locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them, and said,
' Peace be with you.'  After he said this, he showed them his hands and his side.  Then the disciples rejoiced when they saw The Lord. But Thomas, one of the twelve, was not with them when Jesus came. [Thomas] said to them, ' Unless I see the mark of the nails in His hands, and put my finger in the mark of the nails, and my hand in His side, I will not believe."   [ John 20:19-25.]

We Christians sometimes believe that after the Resurrection, everyone became instant Believers. Far from the truth.

Even most of  Jesus' direct disciples hid in a room, for fear that the Jews who had crucified Jesus would somehow hunt them down and crucify them, too.

Thomas, the twelfth disciple, was filled with doubt.  Before he believed, he needed to see Jesus' wounds as Risen Lord, for himself.

Doubt and Fear are supposed to be the enemies of Faith. Jesus Himself said to Thomas, " Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have come to believe." -- John 20:29.

Every year, as we go through the retelling of Good Friday and Jesus' death on the cross, the somber enactment of the Easter Vigil, and the miracle of Easter morning, I am like the disciples. In the aftermath of Christ's death and Resurrection, we join the disciples in their feelings of awe and fear and doubt.

Is it any wonder, after what the disciples had experienced, that they would react this way? In the news recently is the story of a man named Kenneth Ireland, who was wrongly imprisoned for 21 years for a crime that he did not commit.  After his release, based on DNA testing, he worked through myriad
emotions, including anger and fear.  Even though he left prison in 2009, he still fears that someone is going to come and drag him back to prison. He feels compelled to live on the top floor of his apartment building, and he never answers the door. He has spent a lot of time learning to let go of the fear, and the anger.

Just because suddenly we have been set free, it does not mean that our hearts are instantly free.

I have always tried to fight the Doubt. How relieved I was, however,  when Pope Francis admitted that even he, as Pope, has doubts about his Faith. He has said that " doubt is essential to finding God."  [ The New York Times, Sept. 19, 2013.]

In Scripture, it has been said that the early Christians were so deliriously happy after Jesus's Resurrection that they seemed drunk. But, must we be deliriously happy, against all reason, ALL the time?

Christians experience a range of emotions, both dark and exuberant, don't they?  Was Jesus not justifiably angry at the Temple, when He saw the greedy money-changers who were overrunning that sacred place? Did Jesus not break down and weep at the prospect of the death of Lazarus, whom He loved?  Did Jesus not cry out in seeming despair on the Cross, uttering, " My God, my God, why have your forsaken me?!"

And so, as Christians, we should be allowed our emotions. Even Jesus felt deeply. And we are made in God's image.

I have said before, and I will say it again-- All Christians walk through dark valleys. Jesus did so when He faced the devil for forty days and forty nights, in the desert. We are allowed to journey through dark times.

Some Christians, meaning well, interrupt even the slightest talk of dark times. Theologian Barbara Taylor Brown, speaks of this denial of the Dark in her new book, " Finding God in the Dark". In an article on Times.com, she writes, " Christianity has never had anything nice to say about the dark.        ' Darkness' is shorthand for anything that scares me." She speaks in the same article about Christians who have "full solar spirituality" , which she defines as " a sure sense of God's presence."

I have had plenty of Christians in my life, valiantly trying to talk me out of my dark emotions. This kind of attempt at " rewriting my interior landscape" always backfires with me. I usually end up talking about my Faith even less. Therefore, my Faith becomes censored, even more remote than before.

Telling me, ' Be happy', does not work. Instead, it reminds me of how my mother used to tell me, 'Don't be angry'-- diminishing my accurate emotions, wrenchingly felt, over real harshness and cruelty. As if feeling nothing would make the abuse go away. . . . .

Instead, Doubt is a walk towards Faith. Just as Forgiveness is a walk towards Love.

Doubt is an emotion or an uncertainty that we should not wallow in indefinitely. But, used as a catalyst, Doubt can be a powerful springboard towards deeper Faith.

I think of how a martial arts expert harnesses the power of gravity, along with his opponent's force, and --- with equal and opposite force--- throws his opponent across the room.

I believe that, in dark times, if we do not harness the Doubt, in order to increase our Faith, then the Doubt will swallow us. Doubt must not be not denied, but it must be harvested.

It is out of the dark pain in my life, that I am perfectly positioned to more fully seek the light of Jesus.

My friends, who see in me Fear or Doubt, can walk along with me. They can pray for me. But I would never want my Christian friends to steal that Doubt from me, or to try to talk me out of my emotional struggles.  Doubt is a gift, a powerful opportunity to enrich my Faith. And if I do not have to walk on that journey of Doubt alone, all the better.

[ Related Postings, " Doubt", May 11, 2011; "The Truth of His Wounds", April 13, 2012;  "His Divine Mercy", April 7, 2013 ].

( c) Spiritual Devotional 2014. All Rights Reserved.