A Father in Honor

"God sets a father in honor over his children. . . Whoever honors his father atones for sins, and preserves himself from them. When he prays, he is heard; he stores up riches who reveres his mother. Whoever honors his father is gladdened by children, and when he prays, is heard. Whoever reveres his father will live a long life; he who obeys his father brings comfort to his mother.  My son, take care of your father when he is old; grieve him not as long as he lives. Even if his mind fail, be considerate of him; revile him not at all the days of his life; kindness to a father will not be forgotten, firmly planted against the debt of your sins-- a house raised in justice to you." --[Sirach 3: 2-6, 12-14].



This year, we lost the patriarch of the family,  on my husband's side. After too many decades struggling with serious illnesses, he finally passed on to the Lord, this past summer.

This dear man lived far away from all of his kids and grandkids. He was very firm that, as he became more and more frail, he did not want to move away from the home that had given him so much joy over the years. But I also believe that he did not want to burden any of us, by moving in with any of us.

I had seen what it is like to care for my elderly mother, after the sudden death of my father. I had had no idea how very frail that my mother had become. My father had cared for her with barely a word on her condition.

His life had shielded me from the realities of her aging. When I took her back in my life, it become readily apparent that I was not up to the task of caring for her alone. Her frail legs would buckle under her. Her breathing became erratic. In her last few months, she could no longer walk. I had to find a place for her in a nursing facility, because I did not have the expertise to keep her safe.

But, although she was "alone" there, I never left her alone. I would bring her to my home every day, or I would visit her daily. Often, as I moved around the hallways at the nursing facility, I would greet other residents who had no one to visit them, even on Christmas Day!

People who do not know American culture, think that I am lying about this! The fact is, if some Americans have the money, they can "make the problem of aging go away."  The adult children say, "Well, mother cannot do anything anymore, anyway." Or, "I have my own life." Or, "I left her with certified caregivers."

This cultural belief regarding our elders is in total defiance of what Scripture teaches! How have we come so far as to believe that it is okay to warehouse our elderly, as if they were some obsolete technology? -- when this Scripture so clearly says, "My son, take care of your father when he is old; even if his mind fail, be considerate of him."

In the case of our dear relative, all of his kids took turns traveling the distance, to his home in another region, to care for him. Each month, one of us would spend a week to ten days, living with him and tending to his needs. If a fellow traveler saw me at the airport with my husband and son, they would often ask, 'Oh, are you going on vacation for Spring Break?'

I would reply, 'No, we are going to take care of my dear relative.' The fellow traveler nearly always looked astonished. Often, what I would get was, " WHO DOES that anymore?"

Yes, it was hard work to care for my dear relative. We spent "vacations" barely sitting down-- refilling his water glass, fetching eyeglasses or a sweater, making meals, cleaning the place, doing wash, taking him to the doctor, dealing with medical equipment and prescriptions. We often arrived home more exhausted than when we started.

No, I am not a saint for doing this. Caring for our elderly relatives, as this passage makes clear, is an honor. It is also quite simply, required by the very status of my relative's "office" or station in life -- as my Mother. As the honored Patriarch.

In the case of my mother, I took her back EVEN though- Even though she was cruel and neglectful and harsh to me when I was a child. EVEN though she abandoned me at the worst possible time of my life, when I had almost died. Those EVEN-THOUGH's didn't work for me. They don't work for God, either. [Beware the folks who try to trap you with the "EVEN THOUGH'S". They kind of remind me of the Biblical Pharisees, who like to point out the rules, but forget all about Love.].

But what I --and my family-- gained, far outweighed the effort of caregiving. On our last visit before my dear relative died, he gave me one of the best gifts that I have ever received. He told me that he had always regarded me as another daughter. My eyes burst forth tears of Joy.

My cruel childhood family did not believe in even uttering the word "Love".  They would mock me for asking for their Love. These words from my dear relative were the healing balm that I most needed!

But even more, I learned a tremendous amount, in caring for this man, and watching how he bore the sufferings of his illnesses, with a Christ-like Grace. He never complained. If he were gasping for breath, I would ask, 'Are you okay?' He would reply, "I will be."

A close friend of his marveled that, "You could just tell that he didn't want to waste time being negative, debative, or judgmental, when he could have a nice, pleasant conversation with a friend. He showed so little bitterness, or resentment about his plight in life. That is a very selfless act in itself!"

On the day he died, our patriarch expressed that he did not want to pass on, because he did not want to disappoint all of us, his family. I see that poignancy in Jesus, too. Jesus became very sentimental with His apostles at the Last Supper. He said, " I have eagerly desired to eat this Passover with you, before I suffer." --[Luke 22:15].

How we break bread with our elders in their last days counts as much as this Last Supper of Jesus with His dear apostles. In seeing and serving the Christ in our fathers and mothers, we honor the Christ who died FOR us.

Burying the Christ in our older loved ones, buries the Love of Christ in our hearts. We are the ones who become deadened and lifeless.

Loving the Christ in our older loved ones, opens us up to the Love of Christ in ourselves and in others.

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