Unscripted

" Come, Holy Spirit, come!
And from your celestial home, shed a ray of light divine! Come, Father of the poor! Come, source of all our store! Come within us shine. You, of comforters, the best; You, the soul's most welcome best; Sweet refreshment here below;  In our labor, rest most sweet; Grateful coolness in the heat; Solace in the midst of woe. O most blessed Light divine, shine within these hearts of yours, and our inmost being fill! . . Heal our wounds, our strength renew; on our dryness, pour your dew; bend the stubborn heart and will; melt the frozen, warm the chill. Guide the steps that go astray. ." --[Veni, Sancte Spiritus].


 Jesus appears to His apostles many times in the forty days before Pentecost, showing them His wounds, but promising them that He will send to them an Advocate, the Holy Spirit who will remain with them always, and remind them of everything which He taught them.

The apostles ask Jesus, " 'Lord, are you at this time going to restore the kingdom to Israel?' [But] He answered them, 'It is not for you to know the times or the seasons that the Father has established by His own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you, and you will be my witnesses . . . to the ends of the earth.' " --[Acts 1: 1-11].

Even Jesus' apostles expected a kind of political King who would bring God's Chosen people back to their rightful place in Jerusalem. But Jesus was Someone Else, entirely. A divine King, not a governmental one.

I confess that I have spent a good part of my life trying to "fix" things. Yes, we are called to be peacemakers: "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God." -- The Beatitudes." --[Matthew 5:1-12].

And yet, we cannot literally "make things happen", or " 'will' things to happen".
Many today believe this is so. There is a line of thought these days that, if we can dream it, we can make it happen.

I did believe from a young age, that I could script my life. My parents taught me that. I was supposed to make a life plan and execute it. I was Master of my Own Fate. And if things did not turn out the way I had planned and worked for -- well, then, I was a failure, weak, foolish and ineffective.

You see, my family did not believe in "God's timing". They put their faith in human endeavor. Given that belief system, my parents became anxious, depressed and bitter. And as I grew up, I was in for a wild ride.

I thought that I "should have" a loving and compassionate family. Instead, I had a cruel and harsh childhood, not because of material poverty, but because of a family "poverty of spirit." I loved them anyway, and I tried mightily to make peace. But there were so many things I lacked, not the least of which was Love.

When I left home to go to college, I figured I would meet my husband there and get married right after college. That way, I could set out on a new life, far from the cruelties of childhood.

I knew a guy who did that, decided that the right age to get married was 25 or 26. So he turned to his girlfriend at the time and proposed. The marriage hasn't been all that happy. I was beginning to see that you cannot begin with the result, and work backwards. It does not work that way.

I didn't meet my husband in college. So, then I went on to graduate school, in a far away city. I did not meet my husband there, either. In fact, after graduation, I came home, and met a "hometown boy".  We had gone to different high schools in the same town, to the same park in the summer, to the same bowling place, to the same pizza place, to the same diner. We had never met, until after university. . . but he had been there all along.

While in graduate school, I was the victim of a violent crime. I had always thought that if something like that happened, I would hand over my small bit of money and wait for the guy to go away. But that didn't happen. I actually fought him, as he came at me. I shocked even myself. I even got the weapon away from him. I threw it a distance away, figuring that would give me a chance to escape. But instead, he went for my throat. With his bare hands. What did save me? -- the greatest weapon of all:  Prayer. As soon as I silently prayed for God's protection, the guy let go of me, I began to breathe again and he left.

So much for the "movie script" in our heads, that if we only had a legal firearm-- in case someone came after us-- we would shoot him to the point of incapacitation.  I removed the only physical weapon from the situation, and almost died, at the bare hands of the attacker.

Once my husband and I got engaged, I figured my family would be thrilled for us. But my parents never liked my husband. They even refused to stand in the receiving line at our wedding. Or invite him along on family vacations.

Then, my husband and I went house hunting. We returned continually to one particular neighborhood,  to a specific school district, but never found anything that was to our liking. One day, we looked at a house in a completely different part of town and fell in love with our house the minute we walked in. This house is WAY better than any of the dozens we had seen before.

My husband and I had met, fallen in love, and gotten married quickly. We wanted to enjoy just being married, before having children. About three years after we got married, we told each other, "THIS is the year of the child."

Except, we found we could not have children. Oh, how the best laid plans can go awry!

About 15 years after we had gotten married, our son was born. I had been depressed, anxious, angry, overwhelmed at this long, uncertain journey. I asked God, 'WHY, God, WHY, do we have to wait so long, when others are having their second or third child?' But, as soon as I saw our son, I knew why. This tiny baby was perfect for us! And he was surely worth the wait.

After all these years of God showing me that HE WAS and IS in charge, AND that He brings things that are often better than we can have ever imagined -- I was finally starting to get His message!

I find it somehow sad, now, when I see a person who is like I used to be -- making extravagant plans for myself, then becoming angry and bitter when things don't go my way.

I used to even argue with friends and family, talking, talking, talking -- trying to "make them" see my point of view, or "make them" less irritable, more patient, less controlling, etc. But-- who AM I to think that I can control the Universe?!

As I go through my life, I am learning the value of patience. Of waiting with an open heart for what God brings, rather than bringing some perhaps lesser choice TO God, and then getting angry that He did not execute my plans on command.

With this patience and openness, I am far more receptive to the Holy Spirit.  For, "it is not for you to know the times or the seasons that the Father has established by His own authority."

I used to be terrified of what would happen next in my life, that I could not control. But, that is no     way to live. That, instead, is the way to Fear and Death of the Spirit.

Today, I live my life far more unscripted. Instead, I am more and more able to "let go and let God." I pray, God, what is YOUR Will for me? As my church's former pastor used to say, "Embrace what the Spirit has to offer. And enjoy the ride!"

[Related Postings: "Pentecost: The Birth of the Church", 5/24/15; "I Live By the Spirit", 5/19/13; "Pentecost", 6/13/11.]

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