Near To Your Heart

"[Turn] to the Lord, your God, with all your heart and all your soul. For this command that I enjoin on you today is not too mysterious and remote for you. It is not up in the sky, that you should say, 'Who will go up in the sky to get it for us and tell us of it, that we may carry it out?'  Nor is it across the sea, that you should say, 'Who will cross the sea to get it for us and tell us of it, that we may carry it out?' No, it is something very near to you, already in your mouths and in your hearts; you have only to carry it out." -[Deuteronomy 30: 10-14].


When I was a little girl, I was not fed consistently. I was verbally abused, called a failure, struck and bruised. I began to shut down, not speaking, not sleeping. All I wanted was for someone to hug me and say, "I love you." More than that, I wanted someone to show me Love.

I thought- 'I will be happy if I keep my stuffed animals near me, my teddy bear, my tiger striped cat, my dachshund toy, my kangaroo toy, my baby doll.' I had names for all of these, and they all had their distinct personalities. But one day, my mother saw me lovingly arranging them on a wooden bench in my room. I was about 12 years old. When I came home from school the next day, they were all gone! I ran to my mother to ask where my "friends" were? She said, "I gave them away." I cried.

So then I thought- I will be happy if I study hard and get all A's in school. I had to study extra hard in Math, it was not my best subject. One evening at dinner, I told my parents that I gotten an A- on my Math test. My mother told me icily, "Next time it will be an A." I had to swallow hard to eat my supper.

So then I thought - I will be happy if I get accepted to my first choice in college. I WAS accepted and I was very happy there. I made friends and did well; except that when spring of my senior year came, I cried because I knew that I would be leaving that happy place. . But then, my mother told me that I would major in what she told me to study because she was paying the tuition. And if I did not follow her plan for me, I would be kicked out of the house and I was on my own. I did follow her plan for me because she forced her will on me. But my soul was crushed by living someone else's life.

So then I thought - I will be happy if I get a good job and make a generous salary. I did get that good job. But I hated the work. Every Sunday night, when the Sunday night programs came on TV, I cried because I knew that meant I would be back at the job I hated by Monday morning. Every time I tried to quit, I got a big raise and a nice promotion. I kept working harder than anyone else and lobbying for more and more responsibility. Why wasn't I happy?

So then I thought - I will be happy if I can meet the guy of my dreams and get married. Through a mutual friend, I did meet the man of my dreams, one who is kind, patient, smart and incredibly funny. We got engaged but my mother was furious. This was not the man SHE would have picked for me. My parents refused to stand in the receiving line at my wedding, and they cut us out of family holidays.

So then I thought- I will be happy if we can buy a house. We did find the house of our dreams. But then my parents refused to give us any support, monetary or otherwise, to fix it up, and then they refused to come to our house, because it was not "nice enough."

So then I thought - I will be happy if I became a mother. That joyous day came, when our son was born. But then my parents, and just about everyone else I knew, began giving me unsolicited parenting advice. And, I found out that caring for another tiny human being never can cure the longings and gaps in our own psyches.

All these years later, I am a whole lot older and wiser. I understand now that the longing in my wounded soul is with God. And God is not "out there" somewhere.  He is not too mysterious and remote that He can never be found or embraced.

I once asked a neighbor, "What is beyond Space, beyond all the skies and stars that we can see, and even the ones we cannot see?" She gave me a funny look and said, "I think that beyond that there is just more Space."

But that was not the answer that I was looking for. The way I figured it, Heaven was somewhere beyond the farthest reaches of Space, just no telling HOW far? What I wanted to know was, "Exactly how far away is God? How far away is Heaven?"

In reality, we don't need to locate God or the Divine in some indefinable place "Out There". God is NOT too mysterious and remote.

We do not need to go across the sea or through the skies to find Him. We do not need to ask anyone to bring Him TO us.

God is not found in only certain places - such as just in church.

I was looking for Love and happiness in all the wrong places. I wanted experiences and accomplishments and milestones in life to heal my Soul.

I thought I could heal my soul and find Love in comfort objects. In recognition for good grades. In acceptance at a college. In a job title and a certain salary. In the status of being married to another person. In motherhood.

But what I found out is that God IS Love. And God is no farther than my own lips and my own heart.

When I carry out that Love of God within me, FOR others and WITH others, I slowly heal my Soul. When I turn to God with all my heart and with all my Soul, I find the comfort and joy that I have always craved.

Today, I cannot say that I am "happy" in a secular sense. But I have found wisdom, peace, contentment, awe, Faith and peace. Who could for ask more that that?

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