God's Sandpaper

"Brothers and sisters, You have forgotten the exhortation addressed to you as children: 'My child, do not disdain the discipline of the Lord or lose heart when reported by Him; for whom the lord loves, He disciplines; He scourges every child [whom] He acknowledges.'   Endure your trials as 'discipline'; God treats you as sons and daughters. For what "child" is there whom his father does to discipline? At the time, all discipline seems a cause not for joy but for pain, yet later it brings the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who are trained by it. So strengthen your drooping hands and your weak knees. Make straight paths for your feet, that what is lame may not be disjointed but healed." -[Hebrews 12: 5-7, 11-13].

A Christian friend has explained the phrase, "God's Sandpaper" to me. It means that oftentimes in life, the same difficult personal issue will keep coming up. If we take the time to reflect upon some of the tough times in our life, and upon our attitudes and beliefs, we may see a pattern.

This friend explains that the same kind of trials may keep coming up over the years; and what ensues may be harsh consequences, or may be our own blindness to the patterns, or may ultimately become deeply healing lessons.

In my friend's case, she endured a childhood of poverty and abuse. God did not cause these circumstances in her life! God certainly does not believe that she ever deserved these experiences. But, my friend admits that she often reacts to completely unrelated events in her life with anger. She has had to apologize countless times, she has suffered impaired relationships because of it.

From a dysfunctional marriage, to bosses who took advantage of her extreme work ethic, to friends or family who took their own dysfunctions out on her - it took my friend a lot of prayer and trials and reflection to see that what God wants her to learn in all of this is that anger so often comes from the fear of being diminished or even lost.

And God wants her to learn that He has her back, and she does not need to live in fear or believe that she is marginalized. It took my friend a lot of pain and feelings of abandonment to begin to see that she IS a daughter of God and she does have value.

In my own case, my reaction to childhood abuse and trauma was to "go invisible". Over only a few years, I ate little, I slept little, I hid in my room, I numbed my emotions, and finally by age ten, I stopped speaking.

I have this belief that I matter to no one, and no one matters to me. I still half believe I am invisible. I still have a horror of being noticed or acknowledged. At times, the pain I bear from what I went through is so intense, I feel as if absolutely no one could have had it worse than I have had.

The first thing I did to heal, was to join a church. I was astonished that one of the pastors noticed that I never went up the aisle for Communion. What astonished me is that anyone would notice me at all! When I told him "Oh! I thought I was invisible!", he laughed out loud and assured me that I am NOT invisible.

The next thing I noticed is that the people at church learned my name and said hello. I was astonished at that, too. For a time I would actually look behind me to see if the greeter was talking to someone else, because she could not be addressing ME.

Soon I was invited to participate in church ministries. I was astonished at that, too. This meant that people really saw me, and wanted me to be actively involved. Even more, they wanted to hear my voice.

Finally, through church, I met two young men, who were former Lost Boys of South Sudan. I found myself unable to quell my curiosity about them and their stories. What I learned is that they went through far, far worse than I ever did. Where I was hungry and neighbors fed me, so often they went without food for days. Where I lived in fear, they forged ahead despite drought, monsoons, swollen rivers, rapacious lions, goring antelope; they braved the impossible, because they did not have the luxury of merely existing, they had to survive.

I asked one of the young men how he could possibly be so calm and at peace today? He replied, "What I went through made me into the man I am today."

My attitude has transformed totally. Yes, I still struggle to accept what happened to me. But I now have a much more finely-honed sense of compassion for others. All around me, I see others who have had it just as bad, and even much, much worse.

And then, in His final act of discipline and Healing, God called me to help these Lost Boys and their village. Suddenly, I am caring deeply for these men and their village. They truly matter to me, like the family I never had.

Ultimately, they have told me that I matter to them. In fact, they call me "Mom" because of my protective Love and counsel. I grew up never feeling that I belonged to anyone, or that anyone belonged to me. "God's Sandpaper" - all those times that someone has called me by name and gathered me close-  has made me visible and possessing of value.

I have had to be very brave to learn to feel and speak and sleep peacefully again. But the rewards of God's healing hand are great. I will never be invisible again.

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