St. Patrick's Day

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

My mother was 100% English and she raised us that way. I was told, firmly, that I was English.

She served kippers with our scrambled eggs, not bacon, because "this was our heritage."  We had tea every day at four o'clock. She dressed me in a duffle coat, the official woolen coat of the British army. We had plum pudding for Christmas dessert. As much as I loved how the pudding was set afire with brandy, I refused to eat it, with its dried fruit and sour, beef tallow taste. I longed to eat chocolate cake on Christmas, like our Irish neighbors did.

There was nothing wrong with my mother raising us in her thoroughly English way, except for one thing. My Nana on the other side of the family was 100% Irish. Every once in awhile, I would bring up my Irish Nana and the subject would get quickly changed.

Every summer, the heat would bring out the thick curls in my hair and highlight my Irish freckles. And I would cry to my mother, about the freckles, "Make them go awaaay!" If it was bad to be Irish, the freckles would be a dead give-away. I wanted to hide my freckles, so I could hide my Irishness.

For years, even as an adult, I wore my hair in a blunt cut, and every day, I straightened it with a broad hair brush and my hair dryer.

Given all the bias against the Irish, going way back to the 1800's, maybe my parents were just trying to protect me. The Irish were the "great unwashed" immigrants. They were considered drunks, unclean; backward and superstitious with their Catholic religion; lazy etc. Some remember the Irish being compared to "Negroes" or even dogs. As in, "No Irish Or Negroes Need Apply."

The fallout from this anti-Irish prejudice is that I never knew who I really was. It was painful. I thought there was something wrong with ME.

It was not until I was married and a mother that I found out the truth:  my Nana was the Irish housekeeper and  nanny before she married my widowed grandfather. You would think, the Truth hurts. Instead it was a relief. Finally I understood the curls, the freckles, the milk-and-cream complexion. The longing to go to church, a place of deep faith.

Years later when I began to seriously consider converting to Catholicism, I called the pastor of the Catholic church. I asked him, How do you know if you are Catholic?

He said, It comes down to the people you are drawn to, the ones you see as "your people". I thought of how I am with my Irish cousins. They have the same thick hair and freckles. I transform from being quiet, even timid, to outgoing and talkative. I finally feel like my own True Self.

When I got off the phone with the pastor, I cried. But it was tears of joy. Finally I knew the Truth. I am Irish. I can be Catholic if I want to be! I do not have to hide any longer.

Sometime later, I saw my Irish geneology in black and white, e-mailed from a cousin in another country. I saw that our common ancestor had come to the New World in 1749 : FROM IRELAND! It was really true! I burst into tears again. This was me. Irish.

Finally, one thing that clinched my conversion was something an Irish cousin said to me, quietly, "I think that you know who you really are!" This was not an accusation. It was a validation. It was like coming home.

When I called the pastor, he not only invited me into his church, he had given me my identity back! I had had the courage to call and ask that one, critical question, "Who am I called to be?"

It was, "Ask and you shall receive. Knock and the door shall be opened to you!"

So I see St. Patrick's Day as an affirmation of who I am. I see it as a holiday that celebrates that we can ALL be who we truly are, in our hearts! No matter that I am only one quarter Irish. I have the hair and the freckles to prove it.

I can finally say: "I am Irish. I am Catholic." At last, I have an identity.

"Erin Go Bragh!" [Ireland Forever!]

[Related Posting: " My Irish Heart", March 14, 2012].

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