The Lord Is Calling

"Samuel was sleeping in the temple of the Lord, where the ark of God was. The Lord called to Samuel, who answered, 'Here I am.' Samuel ran to Eli and said, 'Here I am. You called me.' 'I did not call you,' Eli said. 'Go back to sleep.' So he went back to sleep. Again, the Lord called Samuel, who rose and went to Eli. 'Here I am,' he said. 'You called me.' But Eli answered, 'I did not call you, my son. Go back to sleep.'  At that time, Samuel was not familiar with the Lord, because the Lord had not revealed anything to  him as yet. The Lord called Samuel again, for the third time. Getting up and going to Eli, he said, 'Here I am. You called me.' Then Eli understood that the Lord was calling the youth. So he said to Samuel, 'Go to sleep, and if you are called, reply, 'Speak, for your servant is listening.' When Samuel went to sleep in his place, the Lord came and revealed His presence, calling out as before, 'Samuel, Samuel!' Samuel answered, 'Speak, for your servant is listening.' - [1 Samuel 3: 3B-10, 19].


This story of Samuel begins with his mother Hannah, who is barren and who prays to the Lord that if she is able to bear a male child, she will "set him before You until the day of his death." -[ 1Samuel 1: 11].

And so, Samuel, as soon as he is weaned, is presented to Eli in the temple of the Lord. And Samuel becomes a great priest and prophet.

I read this story and I am kind of amazed that Samuel, who lives with a priest in a temple, cannot even recognize God!

But then, I think of my own development as a Christian. My journey in seeking God, recognizing Him, understanding His call and finally possessing the courage to respond, was a long, arduous journey, filled with detours and missteps. (You know that non this space, I do not spare myself when it comes to my mistakes in life!)

The first time that I think I looked heavenward, and sought God, was the day when I turned 13 and my mother told me that I almost died, before I had fully entered this world.

My parents were non-believers. We attended church until I was 14, because this is "what the good families do." Church was where we met the "right people" and learned how to behave in a civilized society. At about that time, I was cynical enough to think to myself, 'If that's what my family thinks about God, wouldn't it be sufficient to just take a class in etiquette, and another class in ballroom dancing?'

Then, my mother told me the story about how I almost died before I even was born. Before, I knew it. I was realizing that all my mother's talk about how she didn't believe in all that "God-stuff" had evaporated lie a thin fog. I looked heavenward and said to myself: the fact that I WAS born is proof that God went to a lot of trouble for me to come into this world. SO, there IS a God and somehow, I have a purpose.

For the next several decades, I spent my life seeking my purpose. I did not know what my purpose was? But surely, it was not the graduate program in business law that my family forced me to endure. I figured, if I could just get through that, then maybe I could go out into the real world and find my Purpose.

It was during those days, at that university that I hated, that God made His presence known. Only I was too confused about my life, too separated from any church, because of my family's unbelief-- to even know what this Presence was?

This experience happened in my graduate school apartment, one evening, when I was studying for finals. At the end of a long night, I was preparing for bed when I felt the most peaceful, strong Presence that I had ever encountered. This Presence filled the room, filled my apartment and spilled out into the whole world. It was an experience that, even to this day, I cannot express in any human language.

But this was so huge and bewildering an experience, I dismissed it at the time, as intense stress, or something akin to a hallucination. It was only decades later, when I began to spend time in prayer and reflection in preparation for my Conversion, that I recognized God for who He was.

And so, I do not blame Samuel at all for not, at first, recognizing God; even after many calls from the Lord. To this day, it is startling and otherworldly to hear the call of God. It feels like a mystical, divine intrusion. Often I am too busy with my secular life, accomplishing things that I believe are OH, so important, when God enters. He is trying to shift me to to His realm, to call me to what He deems more important right now.

Decades later, I heard the call to convert, and as I tried to dismiss this notion, the calls became more and more insistent. I "heard": "Only say the word, and my soul shall be healed." That is the call to the Eucharist.  I "heard" God urgently calling me closer to Him. This time, I KNEW it was God, only I had huge issues with His timing.

I went to the priest in residence. I talked about Conversion. At that point, I think he was a lot more excited than I was. I asked him, at the end of our meeting, "How do you know your Purpose?" The priest said, "Oh, you don't need to worry about that, God will find you!" THAT is what I was afraid of!

The priest told me to go talk to God. In the small chapel at my parish, I said, "Not now, God, Your timing is terrible."

Like Moses, I tried to hide my face. ["Moses hid his face, for he was afraid to look at God.' - Exodus 3:6]. The priest told me, "You can run, but you cannot hide." That is not what I wanted to hear.

Like Moses, I said, "Who am I, that I should go?"  But God answered, "I will be with you; and this shall be the sign for you that I have sent you." -[Exodus 3: 11-12].

I went back to the priest. I said, 'After all the cruel things I have been through in my life, nothing I had to experience makes any sense unless I can help others.' The priest said, thoughtfully, "God is using you."

After my conversion, I began writing this blog. Sitting before the blank computer screen, I remembered full well that I had stopped speaking as a child. I began by saying, "Who am I to write this?" Like Moses, I said, "O, my Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past or even now; but I am slow of speech." But God said to Moses, "I will be your mouth and teach you what to speak." -[Exodus 4: 10-11.]

I have even said to God, like Moses did, "O, my Lord, please send someone else." -[Exodus 4: 13].
I have said, 'WHY would you pick ME? I am so lowly and anonymous. I am really a Nobody. Do You really want ME?!'

For me, it takes faithfully spending time with God, in "conversation"and in prayer, so that when God DOES call my name, it is not such a startling experience. I need to make my sacred life with God bigger and more equal in time with my secular life. Then, when God's call does come, it will not seem like such an intrusion on my "real life." In fact, God's call will become my "real life."

For me, I need to focus on the realization that God needs US to do His work.  He needs our hands, our hearts, our ears to listen, our eyes to see. Who can say No to God, when He needs us?

Gradually, as God calls, I have become bolder and stronger. Today, there are things I could never have imagined that I would do. But for God, I will do it!


[Related Posting: "Here I am, Lord",  Jan. 5, 2012].

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