Banish The Fury

" Brothers and sisters:  Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with which you were sealed for the day of redemption. All bitterness, fury, anger, shouting, and reviling must be removed from you, along with all malice. And be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ. So, be imitators of God, as beloved children, and live in love, as Christ loved us and handed Himself over for us, as a sacrificial offering to God." -- [Ephesians 4:20 - 5:2].

I once told the story of my cruel childhood to a priest. He shook his head grimly, at the litany of abuses-- black eyes; mysterious infections for which I was blamed; the times starting at age five when I had to find food on my own because my father said to my mother, "Do NOT feed her"; the times my mother told me to stop crying or she would give me something TO cry about, so I stopped speaking up when others hurt me; the time when I was about four when I nearly drowned in a neighbor's pool, and I KNEW it was happening as I watched my air bubbles floating up and away.

The priest said to me, "But WHERE is the anger?"

I did used to get angry when I was two and three. When I was two, I had taken my brother's verbal abuse all day long. Finally, around late afternoon, I threw a wooden bowl of nuts at his head. I froze, as the nuts scattered all over the tile floor and the bowl clattered down and bounced. But the adults laughed. I began to think of anger as my secret weapon, something that I could get away with, even with adults in attendance.

But, very quickly, this impulsive strategy began to backfire. When I was about age three, if my brother was mean to me, I would stomp my feet, and cry and scream. He thought that was hilarious, so he would torment me all the more. The neighborhood kids would witness this, and they would laugh as well. Soon, it became a game for them all, to escalate the torment until I would run screaming, all the way home.

Gradually, I learned that the abuse and the torment were about the abuser. The anger was about ME--- and I was finding, sadly, that my anger would not stop the abuse.

Over the years in that home, I started to shut down various "systems" -- experimenting with not showing anger, not feeling any emotion, not sleeping so that I could remain vigilant, not speaking, and finally not eating.

But the hoped-for result never came to pass-- the abuse never went away. I became a "ghost".

I decided that I would spend as much time, elsewhere, as I could -- in school, at the neighbor's house, at dance lessons, in my room reading. OR, I would do what I could to make things more peaceful in our home -- setting the table, sewing and mending, weeding the garden.

By the time I was thirteen, I was saving my money to get out. By the time I was 18, I decided to leave an "escape kit" at a girlfriend's house. I had substituted strategy for anger.

I would certainly never recommend abuse as a good way to wean yourself off Anger. It is way too harsh a path.

But by and large, I do not get "screaming angry" any longer. Oh, when I was a new and inexperienced mother, I would shout at my toddler son. Everything as a mom seemed so urgent and dangerous. One day, I shouted at my son, and then, after I had calmed down, I asked him if he had heard what I was saying. He said, "No, Mommy. All I heard was the shouting."

I have never forgotten that.

We must leave aside all bitterness, fury, anger, shouting, malice and reviling.  The more we shout and blame and hate, the more our critical message of love and compassion becomes lost.

I never wasted my time descending into hatred for my family. Their souls were already deadened.  That would only kill my own soul, as well. I did the best I could to stay calm and loving. Then I left home. Today, I work to uplift and advocate for the poor and the forgotten. I am not angry, I am resolved.

St. Paul wrote these words centuries ago. They are as relevant today as when they were written. If we wallow in anger and hatred, then anger and hatred win. Nothing ever gets fixed. No Love ever reigns supreme. Compassion dies on the vine.

Be kind to one another. Compassionate. Forgive one another. Be beloved children. Live in Love.

Anger reinforces evil. Love conquers all.

(c) Spiritual Devotional 2015. All Rights Reserved.