Thursday, December 8, 2011

Immaculate Conception

"God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, to a virgin pedged to be married to a man named Joseph. The virgin's name was Mary. The angel went to her and said, 'Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.' Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, 'Do not be afraid, Mary,you have found favor with God. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give Him the name Jesus.'. . . .'How will this be,' Mary asked the angel, 'since I am a virgin?' The angel answered, 'The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. . . . For nothing is impossible with God.' "I am the Lord's servant,' Mary answered. 'May it be to me as you have said.' [Luke 1: 26-38].

I read this, and I think, Can you imagine how totally terrifed Mary must have been? She was humble, uneducated, a simple girl.

Then, one day, an angel comes to her and announces that she will be the mother of a son; and not just any Son, but the Son of Man!?

How could she say, Yes? And yet, how could she say, No?  If she refused, she would be rejecting the call of God.

I confess that my mode of operation in life is one of absolute fear! I grew up in an upside down household. One minute a family member was nice, the next cruel. I came home from school one day when I was about six, and the family dog had been given away. We had food but sometimes, I was not fed. No one put me down for a nap if I needed one, so I put myself down for a rest.

Some children growing up in this kind of household would become angry-- at the family, at the world, at God. Other children growing up with such totally undependabel adults would become depressed and give up on humanity. 

Instead, I became fearful. I did not feel safe,-- anywhere, at any time --when my needs were not being met and my life was so unpredictable.

And yet, I went to school. I got straight A's but I was terrified when the teacher called on me in class.

I learned to drive a car, but I refused to drive on the highway-- too many cars and trucks close to me, going way too fast.

I got out of university and got a job. I lived by myself in a big city. I took the underground train to work. I was terrified. I did it anyway. I had to make a living, right?

Then, I met a wonderful man, the guy who would become my husband. Only he was shy, too, so this romance was going nowhere . Neither one of us wanted to make the first move! Finally, I worked up the nerve to give him my phone number. I actually thought I was dying inside when I walked up to him and wrote out my number for him. You know what? I didn't die! We dated. . . . we got married.

I often think, if I had not given him my phone number, we would not be married now!

All of the wonderful, amazing, good, and precious fruits that I have reaped have come from taking a risk!

And yet, I am the biggest baby, scaredy cat, chicken you will ever meet! I hate to say hello first. I will not go anywhere for the first time alone; I have to go with someone. I hate loud noises. If it is too noisy, I close my eyes and put my fingers in my ears, like my young son does. If there is bad weather, like a thunder storm, I run upstairs to my bed and get under the covers!

So I do not understand it when people say that I am courageous. This cannot be; I totally live in fear.

What I think they must mean is that, no matter how terrified I am, I do it anyway.

Recently, I was at a religious conference and I was asked to stand in front of a microphone and say a few words. I was horrified at the thought. The woman next to me said, "I'll bet there are some things you would NEVER do for anyone else. But you do them for God!"

She was absolutely right! And this is what Mary did! She was terrified. She was not fearless. But she believed in Someone much larger and stronger than herself. She believed Gabriel when he said "The Lord is with you!"

So this is why I also cringe when people say I am so brave! They make my story out to be all about ME! But what I have done is not about me. Really, it is about God.

If I have used my gifts, they come from God. If I have seized opportunities presented to me, it is only because I have been open enough to the Lord, to recognize him when He comes. If I have said yes to God, it is only because I have faith -- which also comes from Him-- that I will not be going through this alone!

Oh, I have resisted His calls! I fought a long time against God's call to convert. "Impossible!", I said. This call came at a time when my mother was back in my life, back in my home, criticizing Christians as blind, hypocritical losers! "HOW," I asked God, "can you make me do this now?"

It turns out that His call and His timing were perfect. I did not know it at the time, since I cannot predict the future. Only God knows what is coming. But shortly after I converted, I was able to receive the Eucharist at my best friend's funeral!

St. Paul said that in our weakness, we are strong. [2 Corinthians:10-12]. For decades, I never understood this. Now I do. You may say that, despite my past hurts, I have done great things and accomplished much. I say to you, I have done all of these things "afraid". And I would be nothing-- not even alive, certainly not with these gifts-- without God.

I am human: I make mistakes. I doubt. I fear. I fall into deep despair. I say things like, "That will never happen!" But with God, nothing is impossible.

I do not want any personal acclaim for what I have done. I do not want to be put on a pedestal. In fact, I would be horrified at any lavish praise over me. This is not about me. I have done these things for God, with God, through God.  Sometimes, I have even initially said no to God! (I can tell you that He does not go away!).


I have fought and struggled because I want only what is good and true and right. If you desire these things as well -- in reality, what you want is God!


Lately, when I pray each morning, I say, "Here I am Lord, let me do what You will!"

I used to look askance at these words of Mary. In a modern sense, we cringe at how passive she seems. We think, How can she let herself be used that way? Can't she promote herself a little? What does SHE want out of life?

In this age of social media, of self promotion and worship at the altar of Human Power, Mary's stance seems blasphemous. In fact, the opposite is true. When we worship only Human Power, we forget God!

If we think that only Humans are in charge, that is precisely when fear, anger, anxiety and despair set in! We shut down, we stop trying. We become useless. We become Nothing.

Lord, I pray that I may be open to You, that I may discern Your will. I pray that, like Mary, I may say Yes to your plan for me, for I know that You hold me in Your loving arms.

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