Lover of Souls

" Before the Lord, the whole universe is as a . . . . drop of morning dew come down upon the earth. But You have mercy on all, because You can do all things; and you overlook people's sins that they may repent. For, You love all things that are, and loathe nothing which You have made; for what You hated, You would not have fashioned. And how could a thing remain, unless You willed it; or be preserved, had it not been called forth by You? But You spare all things because they are Yours, O Lord and lover of souls, for Your imperishable spirit is in all things! Therefore, You rebuke all things little by little, warn them and remind them of the sins they are committing, that they may abandon their wickedness and believe in You, O Lord!   [ Wisdom 11: 22 - 12: 2].

[Note: for those reading a Protestant Bible, the Book of Wisdom is considered non-canonical or apochryphal by those denominations. Therefore, the Book of Wisdom does not appear in that Bible].


I grew up in a harsh family, who judged everyone and everything. You would have thought that, as the only daughter and the baby in the family, I would have been cherished; or even immune from derision. But I was not spared their cruelty.

I lived in what was, in essence, a Cold War.  I was the battleground between my parents, who seemed to take their anger at each other out on me.

I was not like anyone else in that family. I was exquisitely sensitive, creative, emotional, spiritual. And my parents were always carping, ungenerous, even abusive.

I gradually internalized that anger and Hate. I was not even aware of it until years later, but I had slowly started to believe that I did not belong in that family. Then, I began to believe that somehow I was simply an awful cosmic mistake. Before long, I began to hate myself.

This dysmorphic view of self can spin out of control. Childhood abuse survivors fight daily cycles of self-loathing. One day, I may experience uncontrollable feelings of "Ugly" burbling up, like so much muddy detritus from a hideous past. The next day, " Worthless" may be the theme. The following day, "Guilty" may stream through my waking consciousness, as if I am still sentenced to bear the Guilt of all the things that I did not do, for the sake of my parents' sad marriage.

By the time I grew up and met my husband, I used to tell him that I felt as inconsequential as a dust mote. Most days, I felt as worthy as a crushed bug.

Sadly, this is all too common for children who endure traumatic childhoods. Elizabeth Smart, kidnapping survivor who now speaks out for other survivors, has said, " I'll never forget how I felt, lying there on the ground. I felt like my soul had been crushed. I felt like I wasn't even human anymore. How could anybody love me, or want me or care about me? I felt like life had no more meaning to it."

It was a few years ago that a dear friend gave me my first Bible. I found myself paging through the Gospel of Matthew. It was the "self-help" book that I realized I had been longing for. This was reliable advice because it came from God.

I found Matthew 10: 28- 31: " Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. . . . So don't be afraid; you are worth far more than many sparrows."  I suddenly realized that no matter what anyone could do to me, especially physically, no one could kill my soul. I realized that, even if I saw myself as smaller than a sparrow, God loved even the sparrows and He cared for every one of them.

That God could care so much about a tiny sparrow, I found a bit hard to believe at first. But from there, I was able to recognize the cycle of "Ugly", "Worthless", "Guilty" for what it was-- it was the abuse talking! The self-loathing was not "Me". I began to talk to myself and to tell myself that the "Ugly/Worthless/Guilty" rhetoric was a Lie. All were lies.

Recently, I found this Scripture from Wisdom. And tears came to my eyes. Finally I see the Truth about myself. "Lord, You loathe nothing which You have made; for what You hated, you would not have fashioned."

In my life, I have endured much trauma, including facing death many times. And yet I have been saved, I have lived!  I have told myself after each such trauma, "I guess that God has a reason to keep me here." I see now the Truth of Wisdom11-12: "How could a thing remain unless You willed it?"

I am still afraid of harsh judgment. I crave Love and Mercy from others. I am not perfect, but I need a gentle hand of correction. I want to be good, but I fear condemnation. How beautiful it is that Wisdom says: " You rebuke all things little by little, warn them and remind them, . . . . so that they abandon their wickedness."

And in the end, it is so very healing to enter into a loving relationship with God, who encourages us and corrects us like a gentle Father. For He regards each one of us as so very precious. He truly is a lover of souls and His imperishable spirit is in all of us.

It is by this process, little by little, that I believe in You, O Lord! And, from an outpouring of Your Love, I now believe more in myself.

[Related Posting, " My Precious Life", October 2, 2013; " Hating This Life", March 25, 2012.]

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