My Father, Myself

"Families are the domestic Church, where Jesus grows; He grows in the love of spouses, He grows in the lives of children." -- Pope Francis.


Father's Day is June 19, 2016

Father's Day is somewhat of a forgotten holiday. It is perhaps THE only holiday for which we have no decorations. Even for Mother's Day, we have lace and flowers and glue-smeared craft projects. But Dad gets the same gifts each year -- a tie, a sports shirt, maybe some tools.

Sometimes, I am afraid that IF Father's Day is sort of forgotten, then dads must be forgotten, too.


Father's Day is a decidedly mixed blessing for me-- as it is for anyone whose father was not there for them in so many ways.

My father worked long hours. He often traveled for business. Sometimes, he was home for dinner. But when I was a tiny child, I was often in bed before he came home for the night.

When he was present, it was in a very inconsistent way, as well. Sometimes, he was distant, vacant, as if he were dwelling in some far-off land. This was especially true when he came home from work, sat in his favorite spot and slowly drank away his pain.

Other times, he was all-too present; his face bitter and angry; in my face, pressing on me to provide the emotional support that a mere child cannot.

When relatives tell me that I look a lot like my father, I know that I am supposed to say thank you. Yet, what I invariably do is to cringe.

Then I run to the mirror and pray that what they are saying is not true.

This recurring experience reminds me of the song, "Nowhere To Run"---
"Nowhere to run to, baby, Nowhere to hide. . . Everywhere I go, your face I see, Every step I take, you take with me. . . I know you're no good for me, but you've become a part of me. When I look in the mirror, I see your face just a-smiling there. . . Nowhere to run to, baby, nowhere to hide."

Just as good dads can be a lifelong blessing, distant or abusive dads can be a lifelong curse. Everything he did with me, to me and for me, I carry inside of me. To the extent that those things were unfair, harsh, unloving, or cruel, there is no escaping the feelings engendered.

This is just as true for sons, as for daughters. For sons, a good dad teaches the son how to be a good man. For daughters, a good dad teaches her how to feel loved, confident, secure, lovable.

If a daughter ends up with an abusive, or an absent dad- -- emotional or otherwise -- she can struggle all her life with grown-up male relationships. She can either become promiscuous, believing that she is not worthy of a devoted man. OR, she can retreat, and become so threatened as to be unable to connect on any level, with any man.

An abusive or absent dad can have long-lasting consequences for her spiritual life, too. Many traumatized women reject even the concept of a loving God, because any God who seemingly abandoned her to such a fickle or even dangerous man, can scarcely be trusted or believed in. These women say, excruciatingly, 'There cannot BE a God, or He would have heard my cries and rescued me.'

For me, the lack of a loving and trustworthy dad had a different effect. I essentially "ran into the arms of God."  Somewhere along the way, I decided that God has always been my Father AND my Mother. I am tremendously grateful for this, every day!! This is God's Grace. It is a miracle. It is the Divine blessing that has saved my life.

My trust of the men who run the Church is another matter. The precarious relationship that I had with my dad ran a bulldozer through my very soul. Being so spiritually fragile, it takes very little abuse in the Church, or corruption, or excess, to turn me from an ardent believer into a devastated cynic.

The danger is that my wounded cynicism about the Church hierarchy could damage my Faith altogether.  No Church?-- no Mass, no Eucharist, no Jesus, no Faith, no God. You see the slippery slope for what it presents. . . .

This Father's Day, let us celebrate Fathers, as the critical members of the family that they are. Fathers cannot be simply paychecks, LinkedIn resumes, soccer coaches, the resident lawn mower, the car washer, the late-night errand goer.

Fathers are an integral part of the domestic church that we call Family. Without fathers, the family has no heart, no soul, no Love, no Faith, no God.

[Related Postings: "Father's Day", 6/15/11; "Celebrating Fatherhood", 6/16/12; "The Forgotten Father", 6/14/14.]

(c) Spiritual Devotional 2016. All Rights Reserved.