I Hate Evil

" Amen, amen, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will preserve it for eternal life." -[John 12: 20-33].


A few years ago, I met someone who knew a classmate of mine, a girl who was in my fifth grade class. We are all adults now, or at least I thought so. I told this someone, "Tell her that I say hello." The message came back from this former classmate, to tell me that she was WAY more popular than I was in fifth grade.

At first I was annoyed. Why did this former classmate have to remind me of this somewhat painful time in my life? It was like a cosmic "Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah!" - from decades ago.

In fifth grade, I was ten years old. My beloved grandfather had died. I had largely stopped speaking, because I had given up on the capacity of any human to love me. I had numbed my emotions, telling myself, "I touch no one, no one touches me." I was trying to find food, and to stay safe from my brother's bullying. Being popular in class was the farthest thing from my mind.

Then, I actually had to chuckle . My former classmate was still caught up in being popular, a human construct of this World. Being "popular" was never something I had the energy to focus on. It was never my goal. It is still irrelevant to me.

What I wanted were the very things of survival. And most especially unconditional Love.

I had died to Self at such a young age, not thinking anything of myself, not wanting attention, worldly accolades, or acclaim.

As I began processing so much trauma from my childhood, I entered new territory. I gradually found myself becoming depressed. The very existence of Evil in our World brought me low, into a dark despair.

As I left my cocoon of trauma, all of the traumas from my childhood melded with all the evils of our world - the hunger of children, war, weapons of mass destruction, genocide, racism, sexism, greed, bitterness, egoism, the inhumanity of unbridled technology. I became depressed that these conditions even existed in our World.

And yet, at the same time, I was acutely aware that I am blessed to even be alive. I had come close to dying so many times - at birth almost not coming into this world alive, at four nearly drowning, at 18, at 22, at 42, at 44. . . facing down the prospect of death.

I almost wanted to say, "I HATE my Life", but my husband raised his voice at me: "How DARE you say that?!"

I know in my Heart that God does not want us to hate the Life that has been given to us. He wants us to recognize our Life as the precious Gift it is.

Attempting to reconcile this World with the Perfect is like trying to reconcile Evil with Heaven. I think that I almost cannot hold both Worlds in my head at the same time, they are so far apart.

One beginning step is for me to stop being so concerned with the trappings and reputation of this Life. Perhaps I have more expensive clothes than someone else, or a better car. It doesn't matter. Perhaps someone doesn't really like me. Finally, as a mature adult, I am okay with that. Maybe whatever that person believes is so dear is not important to me? Or maybe, that person does not even know my Heart?

I pray the Serenity Prayer daily, especially the part that says, "Taking, as Jesus did, this Sinful World as it is, not as I would have it." Accepting Evil does NOT mean I have to like it. It does mean, Evil simply IS. I cannot work against Evil, if I cannot admit that Evil is out there.

I live in the Present, but I also believe that I have the chance to go to a Perfect, Divine place in the next Life,  all because Jesus died and rose there; He went to Heaven first, FOR us.

I finally believe that I am not SUPPOSED to love all that is wrong with our World. The fact that I hate the Evil of this Life means that I have a right(-eous) sense of what is Good, a firm grasp of what it means to reach for the Divine.

The notes to my Life Application Study Bible say, "We must disown the tyrannical rule of our own self-centeredness, [and] lay aside our striving for advantage, security and pleasure [at all costs]."

As I die to my own selfish striving, I have time, and room in my Heart, to fight against what is wrong in our world, to love others, and to make a difference in this Life, no matter how small.

[Related Posting: "Losing My Life", 9/3/17; "Hating This Life", 3/25/12].


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