From Trouble To Hope

"Brothers and sisters: We have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by Faith to this grace in which we stand, and we boast in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, character, and proven character, Hope, and Hope does not disappoint, because the Love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us." - [Romans 5: 1-5].


I confess that I have spent a lifetime bemoaning all the affliction, - that is, troubles - I have had in my life. Loving friends and relatives have told me that I "need to get over it." As if I am coated in some kind of personal Teflon, and all the traumas of life can merely roll off me with no effect.

As if. . . Each trauma and crisis soaks into my soul. Trauma does things to you. I have become hyper-vigilant, waiting for the next disaster to come: the death of yet another key person in my life, the severe abuse of my childhood resulting in nightmares and flashbacks.

We are human, after all, not robots. A negative event cannot simply "fail to compute", and fall away, inert.

Some well-meaning people tell me, "Everyone has had bad things happen to them." But that makes me feel only worse. Why do people have to minimize what others go through? Have I had more than a lifetime of woe?

So, I start to recite:
Newborn: I almost died before I cam into this world. My mother nearly died, too.
Three: I came very close to drowning in a neighbor's pool.
Four: There was a fire in my grandparents' house.
Five: My dysfunctional mother did not feed me consistently. I had to find food at the neighbor's.
Six: I was diagnosed with severe asthma. My mother was a chain smoker.
Eight: Because of continual family, abuse, I shut down my emotions.
Ten: My beloved grandfather, my only ally, died. I stopped speaking.
Fourteen:  A member of the extended family committed suicide.
Eighteen: I became aware of my father's abuse.
Nineteen: My mother threatened to cut off tuition and threatened abandonment.
Twenty-three: I was the victim of a violent crime and nearly lost my life. My parents refused to allow me to come home to recover.
Forty-One: My husband and I nearly lost our infant son.
Forty-two: A massive maple tree fell directly in my path, nearly killing me and my infant son.

A Catholic friend with inspiring Faith once told me, "But all your suffering brings you closer to Jesus." I told her, "That is like someone telling you to get severely ill, so you can check into a hospital, in order to meet a cute doctor."

Lately, I am starting to see the wisdom of Romans 5, however.  The only comfort I get over the growing pains my teens son has, is to talk to other parents. We commiserate that none of our sons really WANT to take out the trash. The kids would rather indulge in screen time, and they require more than a few reminders to do their chores. I even spoke to a friend from Africa, and he laughed and said, 'More than a few boys fall asleep when they are supposed to be minding the cows, and the cows wander off. Then, there is trouble.'

Affliction produces endurance. Shared affliction produces community and even Love.

I remember telling some of my story to a wise nun. She told me, 'Your story is awful. But, go back and look over those years. God was there, somewhere. He is always there.'  And so, the next time I saw her, I told her how the neighbors fed me, or gave me rides to school when I was left to trudge in the snow alone. My parents told me that there was no God. I did not believe them. My tiny flame of Faith, which I had to keep hidden from them, was enough to give me access to God's grace. It was His grace that rained down on me when I was fed, taken in out of the rain, and encouraged by others. It was God's Love carried forth by my neighbors.

Beyond that, Christians are to keep their eyes on Jesus, not on our troubles. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, in his book, "The Cost of Discipleship", said, "If we behold Jesus Christ, going on, step by step, we shall not go astray. But, if we worry about the dangers that beset us, if we gaze at the road instead of at Him who goes before, we are already straying from the path. For He Himself is the Way." - I have to tell myself, that whatever it is that I face, Jesus has faced Himself, and then some. If Jesus cannot walk with us in Love, no matter what we face, no one can.

From affliction comes endurance, and from endurance character. Sometimes I don't think of myself as having strength of character. But many people who know me say that when they see me, they see Strength. I could not have survived what I have without strength of character. It is what has made me refuse to give up.

It has been a hard-won strength. I am asked all the time what has saved me? I say, "Hope. And Faith".

Call me foolish to be a Christian. But I have survived only because I have Hope in Something or Someone who is purer, stronger, eternal, Divine. The vagaries of Life can change in an instant. Family you thought would love you unconditionally can hurt you immensely. You can possess a fortune one day, but lose it utterly the next.

And where IS God? He is inside us. I thought my family, by denying God, could take my Faith away. But no, my Faith is my inborn desire for what is timeless, unconditional and eternal. The more trouble I experience, the stronger my Faith and the more unrelenting my Hope. Because the Love of God has been poured out in my Heart, through the Holy Spirit. I shall not falter.

Bonhoeffer says that "the curse [of being rejected and of suffering ills] will not harm the disciples, but the Peace they brought returns to them. You must not be depressed, for what others refuse will prove an even greater blessing for yourselves. To such, the Lord says, ' They have scorned it [Hope, Faith, Love], so keep it for yourselves."

And what we retain is far more valuable - endurance, character, Hope, and the Love of God poured out into our hearts. All these are priceless.

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