" Do You Love Me?"

" Simon Peter and [some of the disciples] went out and got in their boat [to go fishing], but that night they caught nothing. When it was already dawn, Jesus was standing on the shore; but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus. Jesus said to them, 'Children, have you caught anything to eat? '  They answered Him, 'No.' So, He said to them, 'Cast the net over the right side of the boat and you will find something.' So they cast it, and were not able to pull it in because of the number of fish. So the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, 'It is the Lord.' When they climbed out on shore, they saw a charcoal fire with fish on it and bread. Jesus said, ' Bring some fish you just caught. Come, have breakfast.'

When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, 'Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?' Simon Peter answered Him, "Yes, Lord, You know that I love You.' Jesus said to him, 'Feed my lambs.' He said to Simon Peter a second time, 'Simon, son of John, do you love me?' Simon Peter answered Him, 'Yes, Lord, You know that I love You.' Jesus said to him, 'Tend my sheep.'  Jesus said to him the third time, ' Simon, son of John, do you love me?' Peter was distressed that Jesus had said to Him a third time, 'Do you love me?', and said to Him, 'Lord, You know everything; You know that I love You.' Jesus said, ' Feed my sheep.'  And after He had said this, He said, 'Follow me.' " [ John 21: 1-19.]

I grew up in a house of no Love. No one ever told me that they loved me. Not my mother. Not my father. Not my sibling(s). Not my aunts or uncles.

Not only did I not receive the outward manifestations of love such as hugs, kisses and endearments, I  received family abuse. Essentially, I raised myself--  finding food where there was none to eat at home, putting myself down for naps, keeping myself safe in bed at night by staying awake for hours, enduring black eyes and verbal abuse.

I would say that it was a miracle that I ever got married.

These days, I anxiously ask my husband every evening, "Do you love me? Why do you love me? How could you love me, so much, all these years?"

My husband tries to be patient with me. He tells me that he loves me. He tries to enumerate the reasons. But it is never enough for me. My asking for his love is like a compulsion. . . . to infinity.

Perhaps my husband feels like my constant asking for love is a "test". He wants to tell me to stop asking and just believe. I think he may be right.

In this Reading, Jesus asks Simon Peter three times, "Do you love me?"  Jesus really does know
that Simon Peter loves Him. Jesus, in asking for a profession of love three times, effectively negates the three times that Simon Peter denied Him at the cross.

I am like that. I want to ask for Love countless times, to neutralize all the negative ions of abuse and hate and condemnation that I received as a child. I need that kind of reassurance, daily.

I came up "empty" in life; my soul became a bottomless pit of anxiety, fear, guilt, shame and despair. All because not one human being could tell me, "I love you."

I am like the disciples, who fish all day and all night, and come up countless times with an empty net. I used to try to trick my family into telling me that they loved me. It never worked. They refused to say it. I went to bed each night, just as empty as before.

Then, in this Reading, Jesus appears to the disciples on the opposite shore, in the dawn, a shimmering beacon, a lighthouse for the lost. He tells the disciples to cast their net. And in the net, there appears a huge bounty of fish.

Jesus is a beacon of light, in that way. The disciples see Him and race to Him.

And, He addresses the disciples as, "Children!" How tender He is with them! How heartbreaking this scene is, in a way, because this is Jesus after His death, and He is now merely a spirit.

And yet, even after His death, He feeds His disciples. In a scene reminiscent of the Eucharist, Jesus "took the bread and gave it to them."

Jesus can feed you too! He is with you as you break bread with your family every day. He is with you, in the Eucharist.

His Love is unconditional. After all, he forgave Simon Peter for denying Him three times. Jesus only required Simon Peter to profess his Love to Him three times.

But Jesus' Love, while unconditional, is not free. Jesus wants us to "prove" our Love for Him, by Faith in Action. He asks Simon Peter to, "Feed my lambs. Tend my sheep. Feed my sheep. Follow me."

I have heard that call in my life. I am following Jesus now. With Jesus' Love in my heart, I am finding ways to fill my soul up again.  I am "feeding His sheep." I am ministering to others. It is amazing to me how, when I give my Love to others, I feel it more than ever in my heart! I can try and try to give my Love away, but the Love inside me that I share, is something that I get to keep, and cherish forever.

In following Jesus, and in giving others my Love, I am being fed, as well. 

If I had accepted the hate and abuse of my family, if I had internalized it and then spread it to others, then I would have multiplied my emptiness. And instead of living in a sea of bounty, I would be living in a trap of despair.

I may have come from emptiness and hate. But instead, I chose Love. It is a radical kind of Love, that flourishes no matter how I am persecuted, traumatized, or rejected. And Jesus' Love is filling my soul with His Love, His Peace and His simple Joy.

[ Related Posting: "Where is My Flock?", April 29, 2012; "His Flock", May 16, 2011; " Show Me Your Faith", Sept. 16, 2012 ].

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