Cherish No Grudge

" The Lord said to Moses, 'Be holy, for I, the Lord, your God am holy.  You shall not bear hatred for your brother or sister in your heart. Though you may have to reprove your fellow citizen, do not incur sin because of him. Take no revenge and cherish no grudge against any of your people.  You shall love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord.' " -[ Leviticus 19: 1-2, 17-18].


My family growing up seemed to judge others and bear grudges.

If someone was different than us-- perhaps being a person of color, an immigrant or a laborer-- my family would disparage them. Then, they would reject them, barely speaking to them. They would gossip behind that person's back about their clothes, their lack of money, their culture, their place in the community.

I would hear at the dinner table that this family or that made no money; they paid so little in taxes; yet, hey expected the successful citizens to pay for what they lacked. THIS is NOT loving one's neighbor as oneself.

My family also bore grudges. If a lady snubbed my mother or said something unkind, my mother would say, "I cannot be around her anymore. She has shown me who she is."  Perhaps my mother would shun this lady. Or, she would gossip about the lady behind her back, spreading the taint of rumors. . . when perhaps the whole thing had been just a silly misunderstanding.

I had a great challenge as a child, learning how to love whilst not bearing grudges, rejecting others, or gossiping and slandering.

This was not merely because of the poor example of my family. It was even more so, because of the cruelties showered on me as a child. . . . cruelties that measured up as bona fide abuse.

I came around my sibling and parents only when I absolutely had to, such as for evening dinners, or car trips. Otherwise, I spent my time largely alone. I was not refusing to forgive, and I was not hating them. I was keeping myself safe, out of the fray.

Funny thing about Love -- Love doesn't ever require you to take abuse over and over from someone, even if that someone is a life-long family member.

I stayed safe as best I could as a girl. I was in school most of the day. Otherwise, I would hole up in my room. Hide in the bushes. Sit up on the roof and read a book. Go find a shady spot under a pine tree high up on a hill. Spend hours at friends' houses.

Then, I left home at age 18 to go away to school. After that, I was rarely home. During summers, I would sleep at home, but be at work all day.

Ultimately, I got married and moved away.

One early spring day, I received a phone call that my father had arisen for the day, had a cup of coffee, then died instantly from a massive heart attack.

This forced me to confront what Love REALLY meant.

I had never born a grudge against my parents. They had given me life. They were deeply flawed and had done the best they could as parents. Yet, still, their "best" meant that their abuse had driven a bulldozer through my soul.

I saw my mother as a proud but crippled eagle. She was majestic but severely damaged. She did not know how to love. She could tear my heart out with her mighty claws, even as she desperately tried to draw me closer.

My dad, largely emotionally abandoned by his own parents, was so emotionally needy that he crossed boundaries that should never be crossed by a parent.

I knew as soon as my dad died, that I would have to take my mother back and take care of her to her last day. Her health was worse than I had imagined.

As much as I hated what she had done to me, and as much as I struggle daily with the damage -- I could not bear a grudge over how she had ruined me. I could not hate her for abandoning and rejecting me as a mother, then turn around and abandon and reject her myself, when she was fragile and terminally ill.

Even if the wounded animal bites you, how can you kick the animal down the road -- and still call yourself human?

When I took care of her for her last year, I reminded myself that I did not have to like the damage that she had caused. I could even find it incredibly difficult to care for her.

I did not have to accept further abuse from her, verbal, emotional, or in any way. If she turned sour again, I could drive her home from my place and back to the assisted living community where she lived,and where she was receiving compassionate care.

I could also welcome the help of the community to make my job of loving her more manageable.

Ultimately, I could pray to God for the Grace to be the face of unconditional Love to her, until her last day on Earth.

[Related Posting: "Love Thy Neighbor", 10/23/11.]

(c) Spiritual Devotional 2017. All Rights Reserved.