The Forgotten Child

"Zion said, 'The Lord has forsaken me; my Lord has forgotten me.'  Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb? Even should she forget, I will never forget you. " --
[Isaiah 49: 14-15].


As we grow older, we often look back on our younger days, as a deep well of unconditional Love, a source of inmost confidence, and a trove of precious memories.

I am always envious of people who can look back on the happy memories of their childhood. This is not something I ever had.

Instead, I was abandoned, rejected, threatened with ostracization, belittled and disparaged.

I was called ugly on a daily basis. I was hit. I was not regularly fed. I was called a Failure.  I was unsafe at night in my bed. I was sent away as a young adult, and told to "figure out how to make it on your own."

All this from my biological family who gave birth to me, and who were supposed to nurture and celebrate me.

Years later, when I told my aunt/godmother about some of this abuse, she gasped, "BUT! You are their daughter!"   I had to laugh. That designation -- "daughter"  -- meant nothing to them. They treated total strangers with more politeness and kindness than they showed me.

I will be very blunt here. In many cases, this kind of lifelong abuse not only destroys the adult survivor's ability to function daily. This abuse also destroys the very Soul.

When the earliest familial bonds are destroyed before they can even be established, it is almost impossible for the survivor to trust ANYONE. And, that Anyone includes God . . . .

The first time I read this Scripture, I cried. I suddenly realized the Truth of how precious I was always supposed to be. I meditated on that tenderness of a mother for her child. I knew in my heart that that is what had been missing all of my life. This tenderness is what a "normal" family automatically exhibits.

That kind of Love emanates from deep within the Heart. That Love comes from God. That Love IS God.

My heart, so shriveled and dry, never even knew that this kind of Love is the way it is SUPPOSED to be!

I can completely understand how a survivor could turn away, even from unconditional Human Love. That depth of Love seems so very infinite and frightening, that it seems like it cannot ever be contemplated, let alone ever achieved. When I finally started to open up and allow myself to notice my emotions, they seemed terribly LOUD. The unconditional Love from my husband and my son seem so BIG, that I become intimidated and shut down. I overwhelm. That level of  Love doesn't even seem "real".

I can also understand why a survivor could distrust humans, AND also reject God. God is supposed to save us, to rescue us, and make us whole. HOW could a God, who loves me so perfectly, have left me to face down the Evil and the hurt, completely alone?

What I can tell you is that there were times when ALL I HAD was God. If I had rejected Him, there was absolutely not one Soul on my side. So, even when I had doubts, I pushed myself to cling to the Hope that maybe He was real.

I can also tell you that, when I look back at the nightmare of my Life, God WAS there. He was there in the ride I was given to school, when my mother pushed me out the door in the pouring rain. He was there when I was so hungry, I could not sleep, but when a neighbor would give me a sandwich and a glass of milk for a snack. He was there in the teachers who noticed me, encouraged me and told me I was beautiful -- even when I felt so very ugly.

I read this Scripture with a totally different view than most. Most people know what a mother's tenderness truly is. The comparison to God's tender Love is an easy leap for them.

For me, I could have read this Scripture as a mockery of that kind of Love, that was so consistently and evilly denied me. I could have read it as a lifelong excuse to remain angry, bitter and hateful.

BUT INSTEAD--- I choose to read this passage as an affirmation that God is BIG enough to be both my Mother AND my Father!  He can and does shower me with such tenderness, with the Divinely- Created Love, that ALL of His children do rightly deserve.

And so, THAT is Who God became to ME. . .

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