Sunday, November 13, 2011

Burying My Talents

" A man going on a journey called in his servants and entrusted his property to them. To one, he gave five talents [pieces of money], to another two talents and to another one talent, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. The man who had received five talents went at once and put his money to work, and gained five more. So also, the one with two talents gained two more. But the one who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money."

"After a long time, the master returned and settled accounts. The man who had received the five talents brought the other five. 'Master,' he said, ' you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.' The man with the two talents also came. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with two talents; see, I have gained two more.' His master replied to each of them, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things. I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!' Then, the man who had received the one talent came. 'Master,' he said, 'I knew that you are a hard man. . . . So, I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground.'  His master replied, ' You wicked, lazy servant!' " [Matthew 25: 14-26].

We are all born with talents, with gifts. Over time, if we are fortunate and have encouraging, supportive parents and teachers, we discover what those talents are.

I think I was about 8 years old when I wrote my first poem. My teacher asked us all to read our poems to the class. I got a favorable response. I was very proud of my poem, especially when I received an 'A' on it. I was so excited to discover something that I was good at.

In 9th grade, I was required to take a studio art class in the spring semester. At the end of the semester, the art teacher told me that I had talent and she urged me to continue taking art classes. I could not wait to run home and tell my mother that I showed promise in art. But, my mother told me, flatly, 'No! ' No daughter of hers would become an artist. (Recently, I told my son this story and he said to me, 'I'll bet you never drew your mother another picture.?!' You know what? He was right.)

You see, my parents were very old school. They were horrified at the thought of my being an artist. OR, a writer. By the time I was 15, they had my whole life planned out. They dictated what college I would attend, what I would study, what kind of graduate work I would do, what profession I would pursue, what kind of company and what kind of work I would dedicate myself to.

I was the dutiful daughter. I went to the college they dreamed of for me. I studied what they wanted me to. I pursued the graduate studies that they prescribed. I landed a job at the company where they wanted me to work, in the department they decided that I would work in. And I was miserable.

My gifts had became harnessed to my parents' conception of who I was. I was living their life, not mine. I tamed my writing, I "dumbed it down". My writing became essays in college, in the subjects that my family wanted me to study. I did stellar research in the graduate school they wanted me to attend. I domesticated my writing. I wrote lovely thank you notes for gifts received. I wrote epathetic sympathy notes. I "professionalized" my writing. I wrote clear and concise memos when I worked in an office.

My art became "dumbed down" too. I made beautiful flower arrangements. I doodled while in class or in office meetings. I designed my own Christmas ornaments. I decorated my apartment, then later my house.

I tried mightily not to allow my gifts to flow freely in whatever direction they might take me. I buried my talents. If someone noticed how well I could write, I sheepishly said that my writing was "useful". If someone noticed how artistic I was, I minimized my creative ability. I even denied it.

For years, in my parents' home, I was not allowed to exercise my gifts. Their admonition, "You cannot", became a fear that I could not.

So often, our fear of taking a risk holds us back from our gifts!

Then, the fear becomes self-fulfilling and we quit even trying. The fear becomes self doubt. We do not just fear exploring our gifts, we start to believe that we do not have the gift or talent at all. We lose our sense of self.

After some time, I started to feel guilty about not using my gifts more. But the gifts seemed too long ago and far away. Were they merely childish dreams? Were my gifts even real?

Then, I got to thinking, our gifts are given to us by God! What if someone Very Special in your life gave you an amazing gift? Would you bury it? Would you run away from it? Would you doubt that it was even for you? Would you forget about it, or fear that it was not even real?

If you did bury the gift, or doubt it, or fear it, or disbelieve it, HOW would that Very Special Someone feel? I bet that if we all regarded our gifts in that way, God would come to see us as asleep. Or timid. Or lazy. Or even ungrateful for what He has given.

It still takes tremendous effort to allow myself my God-given gifts. I spent so many years having been denied my gifts. Then, that was followed by a long period when I denied MYSELF my gifts. (Did I think that I did not deserve my gifts?)

I write now --and I write to each of you, with great love. I try to write openly, but humbly, about my life. I always aim to tell the Truth-- about my mistakes, about my successes and even more, about God.

I am also drawing again. I admit that when I gaze at that blank piece of paper, I get scared. I think, 'I cannot do this. I should not do this. Maybe I do not have what it takes. Maybe I am fooling myself.' But I light a candle (I am told that when you light a candle, the Holy Spirit is present.) And once I make a line or two on the paper, I can begin to draw again. Like I used to.

No, you cannot deny your gifts. You cannot bury them. You can try, like I did, to suppress them or dumb them down. But they do not go away. They are always there, like God, waiting for your acceptance, for your embrace, for your joy in their delight. They come from God.

The way I see it, if you cannot exercise your gifts for yourself, then give them to God. Let Him hold you close, as you take the risk to unleash your talents to the world. He will take you as far as He wants you to go.

If you do not accept and embrace your gifts, God will think that you do not love the gifts which you have been given. And he will think that you do not love and appreciate Him!

Lord, let me not ignore or bury my talents; but let me always offer my gifts up to You!

(c) The Spiritual Devotional 2011. All Rights Reserved.

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