Fear

"On the evening of that first day of the week, when the doors were locked, where the disciples were, for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood in their midst, and said to them 'Peace be with you.'  When He had said this, He showed them His hands and His side. The disciples rejoiced when they saw the Lord.  Jesus said to them again, 'Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I send you.'  And when He had said this, He breathed on them and said to them, 'Receive the Holy Spirit.' --[John 20: 19-31].


FEAR:    Feelings of trauma and terror can make us anxious, paralyzed. We can exhibit so much emotion, it can come out as anger. Or, we may simply shut down.

Coming from a highly dysfunctional and even abusive family, I have lived in fear most of my life. To "make the abuse go away" I tried, first, not showing emotion, then not feeling emotion, not coming out of my room, wearing dark colors so I could become less visible, eating less so I did not grow too big, keeping watch at night, and finally, ceasing to speak.

I had built a "wall" around myself, as real to me as the doors of the upstairs room were to the disciples.  My mantra became, 'No one touches me. And, I touch no one.'

This Scripture actually comforts me, in a way; because even the disciples-- who had lived with Jesus, who had walked with Him, eaten with Him, prayed with Him, witnessed His triumphant march into Jerusalem and His death on the cross--- reacted in the end with fear. They ultimately locked themselves into a room in the immediate aftermath of the Crucifixion.

How utterly human it is to react in fear. We freeze. We hide. We hope that it all just goes away.

It has been a long walk back for me, into humanity again. Years ago, I started eating more. I mean, how can I stay strong enough to fight my demons, if I am too famished to get through the day?

I had to learn that I no longer have to wait until everyone else in the house is asleep, to feel safe enough to fall asleep myself.

I had to learn to speak again. I had spent my childhood in my room, reading library books, writing poetry, singing along to music. I knew HOW to speak, but I was afraid to . . .

After I finished my education, though, I had to find employment.  I could leave my family and strike out on my own. The first few times I had to answer the phone at work, I was terrified. But I made myself do it, and gradually it all became easier.

These were the basic building blocks of life-- eating, sleeping, speaking, working.

Then, I met my husband. Feelings started to come back. It was sort of a roller coaster. At first, I was confused. Then, I rightly recognized it for what it all was -- It was Love! God comes in the form of Love, you know. The rest follows.

But The Wall essentially remained. It did not take much to happen in life, for me to go back in my "cave" again. Years later, I went to my pastor at the time and told him, "I have built a Wall around myself. I want to come out, but I am terrified to tear it down. HOW do I do it?" He asked me, 'Where are you now with this?' I said, 'I am in the cave and the light is shining in from the outside. But, I cannot come out.'

He thought for a moment and said, "You tear it down, the same way you built it. Remove the Wall, one brick and one stone at a time."

This seemed like sound, although metaphorical, advice. The process itself, however, is not as easy as it sounds.

The resounding message that I get from this Scripture is that it does you no good to hide. Jesus knows exactly where you are! And He will come and find you. He will stand in your midst. His urgent call will not cease.

I had spent so many years in the darkness of my cave, looking out at the bright light. I longed to escape my self-imposed prison, but  . . . the world outside seemed so loud, so jarring, unsafe, often violent and disturbing. This is how the disciples must have felt! Their fears were not irrational, given the traumatic events that they had just experienced.

What I eventually conclude is that we may feel fear, but in order to become fully human, we must overcome the fear.

Jesus sent the disciples out of that darkened room. He was depending upon them to go about preaching and proclaiming the Good News.

He did not send them out alone, however. They went together. And Jesus was with them, by the power of the Holy Spirit. Jesus breathed the Spirit upon them. He gave them Peace.

The apostles eventually dared to go to places even near Jerusalem, where their fear was greatest, to openly heal great crowds of the sick; even though the authorities had warned them with violence if they persisted. [After Pentecost].

I am not going to say that my Wall is completely down. I still struggle daily with some of the very real defenses that I put up to protect myself. But, I am no longer inside a cave, looking out, fearing to venture forth.

I have had a tremendous number of stones to roll away. It is exhausting, daunting, tough work. Sometimes, I achieve triumphs. Sometimes, I regress, then I surge forward again.

What it comes down to is this -- I believe that we all have some walls, the fears and obstacles that keep us locked away. The question becomes -- How bold can I be for my God? How bold will YOU be for YOUR GOD?

Jesus knows His wounds. He knows YOUR wounds. Despite this, He proclaims, "Peace be with you!" He calls out of exile. Into the Light.


 [Related Postings: "Roll Away the Stone, April 17, 2014; "Doubt", May 1, 2011; "The Benefit of Doubt", April 29, 2014; "Peace Be With You", April 19, 2015; "The Truth of His Wounds" April 13, 2012; "Healed By His Wounds", May 15, 2014; "His Divine Mercy", April 7, 2013.]


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