A Restless Life

" Job spoke, saying: Is not man's Life a drudgery? Are not his days those of hirelings? He is a slave who longs for the shade, a hireling who waits for his wages. So I have been assigned months of misery, and troubled nights have been allotted to me. If in bed I say, 'When shall I arise?', then the night drags on; I am filled with restlessness until the dawn. My days are swifter than a weaver's shuttle; they come to an end without hope. Remember that my life is like the wind; l I shall not see happiness again." --[Job 7: 1-4, 6-7].


As a young person, it was a relief to leave home at age eighteen, and rarely return home. My life had been full of trials and tribulations --  almost having died before I was even born; having been traumatized by the aftermath of a fire in my grandparents' home when I was about three; near drowning in a neighbor's pool when I was four; finding food for myself, and putting myself down for naps when I was five; being diagnosed with a chronic lung disease when I was six; enduring verbal and emotional and physical abuse from my father, my mother, my sibling; ceasing to speak when I was ten; not having a friend to defend me. Being the victim of a violent crime and nearly dying, when in my twenties; a tree falling at me and nearly taking me out during a sudden wind shear. . . .

Every day, I am grateful that I am still here, relatively healthy, with a family -- a husband and son-- who love me.

But now that I have food, safe residence, even Love, I wonder, Why did I ever have to endure all that? I still have nightmares, my sleep is restless, where is God in all this?

Some Christians would argue that we suffer from trials and trauma because we have sinned. This is a central question in Job. But, a person may be faith-filled, devoted to God, and yet still face suffering. It is not true that an innocent person never suffers.

And it is not true that those who are suffering are necessarily being punished for Sin. Nor is it "proof" that a person who is suffering must have done something wrong.

I am safe now, yes. Blessedly safe.

But even in this miraculous technological age, Life can be drudgery. I may wash clothes by machine but I still fold and iron by hand. I buy pre-peeled vegetables and de-feathered chickens, but I still chop and dice and stir, to cook a meal. I may have a lawn mower but I still weed and plant by hand. I still wash and comb my hair by hand. I still haul trash out by hand, recycle and file and organize papers by hand.

Every time I so much as "blink", it seems like Day has turned to Night. Or, that the weekly pages in the calendar have turned to Monday, yet again.

I make friends, I lose friends. I earn money, then the money is gone for taxes, for expenses and bills. I have relatives, then the relatives get old, they get sick, they die.

Every week, I wash the same clothes, I wash the same dishes; each spring, I pull the same weeds, then the weeds come back and I pull them again.

After some time, I begin to wonder, as Job did -- What is the point of all this drudgery, and even pain? Do you ever hear the alarm go off on a Monday morning and wish you could just go back to sleep - maybe wonder what it would be like to sleep forever?

But, the challenges of the day beckon. And Reality sinks in quickly. For half a second, I am happy to see the morning sun. . .until my consciousness registers that the problems which I wrestle with are still there, waiting for me, perhaps daring me to tackle them.

A thinking, contemplative person asks, What is all this drudgery and trauma in Life even FOR? WHY must I suffer so?

In Job 38-41, God addresses Job. He tells Job, essentially, how can any human being - who being human, by definition, is limited in insight and Wisdom - know the "why" of the pain? How can any man argue with God over what we deserve in Life, when God knows us better than we know ourselves?

I have wasted countless hours, days, weeks and even years wondering WHY, in this whole wide Universe, that I "deserved" such pain and trauma?

What God tells Job is this: "Do you send the lightning bolts on their way? Do they report to you, 'Here we are?' Who has the wisdom to count the clouds?" -[Job 38: 35-37]. God put billions of stars in the heavens, are we responsible for them? Who can even count them?

In other words, in this vast and incomprehensible Universe, we humans cannot ever know all the mysteries of Life.  I am too limited to understand the reasons for the Universe. Do I even have the right to ask why? If I did ever find the answer, would that ever change things for me?

These days, I wonder about my longing for Someone or Something bigger than myself. My restless dissatisfaction about this Life portends my longing for the Infinite, for a Universal time and place where I am loved, no matter any circumstances.

And so, the Question is not WHY? The question becomes WHO can soothe my Soul? WHO can heal me and help me find my place in the Universe?

I can walk this journey alone. Or, I can know that God is big enough for my pain. This I know in my heart. God never promised me an easy Life. But, He did say, "I will walk with you."

(Related Posting: "Hating This Life", 3/25/12; "Job", 2/8/15; "Accepting Hardship", 5/25/16.]

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