My Heart Like A Fire

Jeremiah's Complaint:  "O Lord, you duped me, and I was deceived; you overpowered me and prevailed. I am ridiculed all day long; everyone mocks me. Whenever I speak, I cry out, proclaiming violence and destruction. So the word of the Lord has brought me insult and reproach all day long. But if I say, 'I will not mention Him or speak any more in His name', His word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot." [Jeremiah 20: 7-9]

When I was about 3, my parents had me baptized as a Christian. My family had deep suspicions of  religion and looked down on people of faith. But they brought me to this church as a place to meet the Right People. To them, it was a sort of Spiritual Charm School. A place to learn right from wrong. They did not necessarily take me to church for the right reasons, but it planted the seed. I give them credit for that.

When I was in grade school, my grandmother would mind my brother and me from time to time. Unbeknownst to my mother, her mother insisted that we kneel at our beds every night and recite the Lord's Prayer. Years later, when I was an adult, I recounted this memory to my mother. She was aghast.

When I was 13, I was confirmed and received my First Communion, all on the same day. This is how it was done in my church in those days. It was an overwhelmingly special day for me.

Then, when I was 14, my grandmother died suddenly, tragically. Just as abruptly, we stopped going to church. If I asked to go, I was told, 'We don't do that any longer.' I had no way to get to our church, which was clear across town. So reluctantly, I quit church. I had no choice.

A girl of 14 is not a child, but still, in my child's logic, I had a perplexed view of faith. I thought that if your family takes church away, and if church is a place where you learn your faith, then my mother was essentially taking my faith away.

After my grandmother died, I wanted so badly to ask to speak to a priest, because I had so many questions about death and the afterlife. But I did not dare ask. I knew that I would be shushed and told to forget about it.

I learned to push my faith deep inside me. It became like a tiny flame. It was still there, but it was invisible. This is how I protected my faith from the onslaught of the Unbelievers.

If my mother said something about America and the Almighty Dollar, I whispered to myself, "You mean 'Almighty God.' " I did not dare speak The Lord's name or praise Him aloud. But silently, I was desperately trying to neutralize my mother's words, so they would have no power over me.

If I suggested to my family that we give to charity, I was mocked for being too naive and idealistic. I was told, 'Oh, no! You do not give to charity! You keep your money for yourself!'

When I got out of university, I met the man who would become my husband.  In retrospect, I find no better proof of God's sense of humor than the fact that my husband is Catholic. Except that it wasn't funny at the time; in fact, my family was beside themselves. Planning my wedding was a series of skirmishes over the number in the bridal party, the color of the bridesmaid's dresses, the date and time of the ceremony etc. I quickly understood that the real battle was not over the wedding, it was over the marriage.

I did stand up to my parents and marry this wonderful man. I even had a church wedding, before God, and before all my friends and extended family. But then, my parents refused to stand in the receiving line at the reception.

This was a Religious War of sorts and apparently, I was not winning. After I got married, my husband gave me a beautiful gold cross necklace as a gift. At gatherings with my family, I took to wearing the cross under my shirt collar. I could not face their backtalk, their dirty looks.

A few years ago, my father died suddenly. My mother, who had become elderly and in failing health, came to live near me and my family. It was then that God called me to convert. That was it, I had had it with this Religious War! I had even had it with God's so-called sense of humor. I despaired, 'God, HOW can you ask me to convert now?!' What He was asking was not funny, it was impossible.

Finally, I  dipped my toe into the conversion process. I began meditating, praying and studying books. But when my mother came over, I hid the books and my Bible upstairs where she did not go.

The point is, God waited very patiently for a long time for me. He did not give up! He gave me a giant hint in sending my dear husband into my life. I still tried to ignore that tiny flame of faith.

But God did go go away. His calls only became more insistent. A wise advisor told me, "You can run but you cannot hide." This advice was both scary and thrilling. His words reminded me of Psalm 139: "Lord, you have probed me, you know me: you know when I sit and stand; you understand my thoughts from afar. . . Behind and before, you encircle me and rest your hand upon me. Where can I hide from your spirit? From your presence, where can I flee?"

I had become like Jeremiah. I was tired of pretending that my faith did not matter to me. I could not hold it in any longer. My tiny faith was growing inside me and, in my burning heart, I longed for God. The turning point came when I was made to see that my faith was not given to me by going to church, or even by what my mother did or did not teach me. It was given to me by God. And it was mine to keep!

Such a precious gift! I cried real tears, of relief, of great joy! God does not want us to lose that faith that He has given us. Psalm 139 goes on to say, "If I ascend to the heavens, You are there. If I fly with the wings of dawn. . . even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand holds me fast."

He is there if we suffer snubs from our family, overhear ignorant comments from mere acquaintances and even fall victim to extensive persecution. It is not easy to hold onto our faith, to nurture it, to encourage that flame inside us to grow, or to live our faith freely and openly.

Jesus tells us in Matthew 16: 24 to take up our cross and to follow Him. I still have moments of great doubt and even fear over this path. But God's gift of my faith is mine to keep! And at those times that I feel afraid, I pray that God will guide me and hold me in His arms.

God, I love You with my  whole heart! Let my desire to be closer to You deepen my faith and trust in You.

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