Who Are You?

August 21

"Jesus asked his disciples, 'Who do  you say I am?' Simon Peter answered, 'You are the Christ, the Son of the Living God.' Jesus replied, ' Blessed are you, Simon. . . for this was not revealed to you by man but by my Father in heaven. . . .I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven.' Then he warned his disciples not to tell anyone that he was the Christ." [Matthew 16: 13-19].

This Reading reminds me of my own conversion. I was a fairly unlikely candidate, despite my 
part- Irish heritage. My parents had deep suspicions of organized religion in general, and genuine dislike of Catholics in particular. Out of a misplaced respect for my parents, I could not even contemplate choosing a church as an adult, certainly not a Catholic one.

Ironically, I married a Catholic. Then, I proceeded to faithfully attend Catholic Mass with my husband.  Every Sunday, I sat on my hands when it was time to go up for the Eucharist. Perhaps some observers thought I was a perpetual visitor to the church. Others may have thought that I was some sort of awful sinner.  The truth was, I was afraid.

If you look at this story so far, you undoubtedly see a young woman who is hopelessly confused about who she is. I was indoctrinated against religion and Catholicism; but then, I married a Catholic man, and attended church weekly for Mass, where I refused to participate.

What was I afraid of? I was afraid to reflect deeply and discover who I really was. I had received so many anti-Christian messages, that I was afraid to admit that I might actually be one!

After many years of this fence-sitting, I told my Irish cousin that I was toying with converting. Her response floored me! She said, "Well, I think you know who you really are!" This opened a flood gate of tears for me. It was as if God saw me, finally, for who I really am.

After that, I could not enter my church without silent tears flowing like a river down my face. All of my layers of defenses, my masks and  personas melted away in the presence of God. If I did not know who I was, surely He did!  My tears were tears of relief that I did not have to pretend any longer. And, in the end, I began to recognize that they were also tears of joy! After all those years of confusion, I could finally begin the process of figuring out who I really was.

But for the longest time, I did not want anyone to know that I was preparing to convert. At the time, my mother was still alive and every time she came over, I hid my Bible and catechism books upstairs.  I did not want her anti-Catholic litanies to steer me off course or deter me from my goal. I also wanted more time to become more sure of my conversion and more secure in who I really was.

I still sometimes wonder why Jesus warned his disciples not to tell anyone that He was the Christ.  I highly doubt that He was afraid, or did not know who He really was. But just maybe, He needed the time and the space, without undue interference, to become fully developed and to fully grasp his identity in His own mind. No doubt, He also wanted his disciples to slowly comprehend who He was, at their own pace, before they were to tell the world. There was danger, real danger of persecution and there was no need to tell everyone, until Jesus had solidified His own ministry.

It is said that we all convert, a little at a time, over our whole lives. This means that day by day, we become closer to God. And closer to being who God meant us to be all along. This is what Jesus had to do, even as the Messiah. This is what I need to be brave enough to do for myself -- to examine what is really in my heart, and to become fully the Self that God discerned in me, before I was even born.

Who are YOU in Christ?

God, I pray that, in becoming closer to You, I perceive Your plan for me. I pray that I become fully who you meant me to be.

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