Walking On Water

" During the fourth watch of the night, Jesus went out to the disciples, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost", they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them, 'Take courage! It is I. Do not be afraid.'  'Lord, if it's you,' Peter replied, 'tell me to come to you on the water.' 'Come,' He said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and beginning to sink, cried out, 'Lord, save me!' Immediately, Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. 'You of little faith,' he said, 'why do you doubt?' [Matthew 14: 25-31].

I was given this Scripture to read during my conversion to Catholicism. The exercise was to meditate upon the image of Jesus reaching his hand out to me and saying, "Come".

I dutifully went to meditate and pray in the chapel. I closed my eyes tight and tried with all my might to visualize Jesus in his flowing robes, with his kind eyes and outstretched hand, beckoning me. All I could retrieve was the outline of his hair and robes. There was no face! Even the outline of Jesus seemed hazy and far away.

I tried again over successive days, each time trying to pray differently, trying to squeeze my eyes tighter, or trying to stare at the flame of the perpetual candle, willing Jesus to find me.

Nothing worked.  What was I doing wrong?

I had decided to convert at a time in my life when it seemed everything was falling apart. My father had died abruptly, leaving me in charge of my increasingly frail mother. My best friend had been diagnosed with cancer and was losing the battle. Painful memories of my childhood were coming back. I seemed to need Jesus more than ever. Yet, I could not seem to "will" him into my line of sight.

Despite all the painful and difficult things I had experienced while growing up, against all odds, I had graduated with honors, landed a great job, gotten married, become a mother. Given my dysfunctional family, and my childhood of neglect and rejection, I had "walked on water". I had achieved miraculous things, and they were things that one could not have expected from me, given my history. But I had never given myself the time or the luxury to reflect or to pray. I was too busy doing. I was spending all my energy surviving.

After some time during my conversion, I realized why I could not see Jesus. . . . I was figuratively "looking down". Yes, I had "walked on water", accomplishing the impossible. But the minute I focused on all the obstacles I had faced, when I felt fully the wind and the waves surrounding me, I began to sink!

I needed Jesus, because I was in a thick storm. I was overwhelmed by what I was going through at the time, and by all I had gone through up to that point! The past and the current storms were whirling around me, so that all I could see and feel was the pain and the fear.

Before my conversion, I had neither self-awareness nor a faith life. In short, I was nowhere and sinking fast.

How many times have you collapsed emotionally only AFTER you have accomplished the seemingly impossible? Somehow adrenaline helped you to practically glide your way through a  frightening storm. But when you pause and have time to think, it is only then that the weight of what you have faced causes you to sink. Probably, Jesus was with you all along, but you were too busy conducting triage at the time to notice.

Some would say that proves exactly the danger of "thinking too hard".   Believe me, I have been accused of that plenty of times! People think that if you "dwell on the negative",  that guarantees that you will sink. Typical advice from these well-meaning people is to "do" but not to think too hard. 

Actually, the opposite is true:  I spent most of my life frantically trying to survive, but never reflecting upon what I was fighting. If you are not aware of the storms in your life, you will never fully understand what you face. To battle your enemies, you need to discover who or what they are. To ignore the storms in your life or the evils in the world is to be dangerously naive.

In my young life, I was not aware of my enemies-- of my "storms". I simply bullied my way through life and wondered why I was so miserable-- so afraid, so overwhelmed, so full of doubt. I did not even know enough to identify my obstacles OR to pray about them!

Think of Elijah from this week's second reading. After doing the utmost for God and finding himself a target of  the Israelites, he runs for his life. He hides his face in his cloak and cowers in a cave. The Lord tells him that "the Lord will be passing by". Elijah first sees a strong, heavy wind, then an earthquake, then a fire. But he discerns that the Lord is not in any of those things. You see, the Lord does not bring wind, earthquake or fire. Nor is the Lord IN these things.

Nor does  it work to run for one's life, hide in a cave or pull one's cloak up over one's face.Sooner or later, the winds,  earthquakes and fires of life find us. This reading goes on to say that after the fire came a gentle whisper. THAT is where God -- and Jesus-- are to be found!

During my conversion, I began to reflect and to pray. I began to dwell on the crises and storms that had swamped me my entire life. As I absorbed the impact and true meaning of these trials, I began to sink!

Gradually, I came to see that I needed Jesus more than ever! I finally understood that, as I became more aware of what was threatening me, I needed to deepen my Faith. It was only when I realized that I was not alone, when I reached for the outstretched hand of Jesus, that I was lifted up, that I was saved!

Ignoring the storms in my life would not banish them from my sight. Simply staying positive would not prevent any storms from coming. But if I am aware of the trials I face and if, through Faith, I trust Jesus' aid, I will weather any storms that come my way.

And finding God and Jesus comes from that gentle whisper that I hear when I sit quietly and listen for God's voice!

Jesus, I pray that instead of fearing the times of trouble, I deepen my faith! Jesus, when I become aware, through reflection, of the storms in my life, may I reach out to You!

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