Bread Of Life

" Jesus said, 'Amen, amen, I say to you. . . do not work for food that perishes, but for the food that endures for eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you. For the bread of God is that which comes down from heaven and gives life to the world. . . I am the Bread of Life; whoever comes to me will never hunger, and whoever believes in me will never thirst.' " [John 6: 24-35].

For years, I never understood what this "Bread Of Life" was? After all, plenty of people in this world consistently go hungry and have no clean water to drink - - and yet they believe in God and in His Son!

What kind of hunger and thirst are these, that "endure for eternal life"?

It is only in recent years that I have begun to understand that this hunger and thirst pertain,  not to physical symptoms, but to a spiritual hunger and thirst.

In my dysfunctional family, growing up, if I did not eat what was provided for dinner, I was made to go hungry, even though there was plenty of other food in the house. By the time I was five, I was asking each morning what was for dinner? If it was something I found totally distasteful, I knew that I would go to bed hungry. After awhile, I began to plan how to find more food for myself, at school lunch, or at a neighbor's house. Before long, I was hoarding holiday candy in my room.

As I grew a bit older, I began to see that my physical hunger was really about a lack of Love. No one loved me enough to ensure that I received enough to eat.

By the time I was ten, I was so deprived of affection, that I stopped speaking. I was spiritually starving, so much so that I gave up on humanity. I gave up hope that any human being could love me and care for me. I stopped trusting humans.

 I wanted to be invisible. Not only did I give up on any form of ego, I decided that it would be better if I pretended that I did not exist. I became as Nothing, so no one could find anything about me that could be a subject of persecution.

When I was 14, my family stopped taking me for treatments for my chronic lung condition. I did not place any faith in science to cure me.  No one cared enough about me, for medicine and science to be of any use for me. It was the humans, whom I did not trust, who had to take me to the doctor  -- and they did not bother to take me.

When I was in my early twenties, and at university, I had ready access to alcohol and drugs.  But I noticed that, after a night of partying, my deep sadness remained. I was left only with a headache, and the same deep longing in  my heart.

When I was in my late twenties, I got my first job. I worked long hours. My family had always taught me to worship the "Almighty Dollar." I began to earn enough for my own apartment. I had nice clothes and enough to eat. But whether I had money, or I had no money, my heart still ached.

I have learned that the hunger I feel is not about having enough earthly food to eat. I have learned that my ego will not save me. I have learned that Science, coming from humans, can be denied or misused. I began to see that even if science cures my physical condition, that is not enough to make my heart spiritually whole. I have learned that drugs and alcohol are tonics that are of illusory and temporal benefit. I have learned that no amount of money or material possessions in the world can cure the deep hole in my heart.

I have learned that only God is big enough to even begin to fill that awful hole inside me. Only Jesus can be my Bread of Life.

I am learning to try to trust humans again, because at their best, human beings are the embodiment of God's Love, carried around the world.

[Related Posting: " Not of This World", May 23, 2012.]

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