Hunger For Grace

" Be very careful, then, how you live -- not as foolish persons, but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore, do not continue in ignorance, but try to understand what the Lord's will is. Do not get drunk on wine, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and playing to the Lord in your hearts, giving thanks always and for everything in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ and to God the Father." [Ephesians 5: 15-20].

When I was growing up, I could not trust the adults in my life to take care of me. I really raised myself. At age two, I was teaching myself to use the washroom as a grown-up would. By age four, I was trying to teach myself to read. By age five, I was putting myself down for naps and looking for alternative sources of food, for the days when I was not fed.

By age thirteen, I had made a plan for my future. I knew that my days in that house were dangerous and filled with crisis.  I knew that I had to get out.  I started a baby-sitting business and began to set money aside. I was very careful how I lived. I did not squander my resources on fashionable dresses or on things I did not need. I made the most of every opportunity, taking paying jobs as much as I could, without sacrificing time spent on my studies. I would eat more in the school cafeteria for lunch, or readily accept the offer of lunch at neighbors' houses, so I could be certain to get enough energy for the busy days ahead.

I knew that my education was critical to my independence. I would turn down offers to go out and play, in favor of doing my homework. I knew that I needed to get all A's; even in fifth grade, I knew this.

When I was done with my homework, I would read library books. When I had no more library books to read, I read the dictionary.

When the books got too boring, I would sit in my room and sing songs. By the time I was in grammar school, I was in the childrens' choir at church. In my room, alone, I sang hymns, I sang popular songs, I just sang. Singing made my heart glad.

In the years before my confirmation, my family took me to church. Sitting in my pew, I tried-- often in vain-- to understand what the Reverend was saying. He used such big words, like "redemption" and "salvation." I knew that Salvation meant to be saved, but I was too young to understand what that meant. What was I being saved from, anyway?

During all those years, it never occurred to me to pray for a kinder family, or to pray that their abuse and cruelty would stop. I was simply grateful, whenever any needs which I had, were somehow met.

I do not attribute any of this to my own ingenuity or genius. I believe today, that my behavior, as is described in Ephesians 5, came directly from the Grace of God. I could not have known, as a mere child, how to emulate Jesus.

This is a perfect example of how "God is close to the broken-hearted; those who are crushed in spirit, He saves." [Psalm 34: 18].

For most of my life, I thought I had it all together. I got through college and graduate school. I married. I became a mother.

Then, things began to fall apart for me. My best friend became ill with cancer. My father died abruptly. I had to move my mother near me, to care for her. My best friend died. My mother-in-law died. Then, my mother died.

I did not know which end was up. I could no longer educate myself; I was so hopelessly confused, I did not even know what the Truth was any longer. I was supposed to rely on the Spirit-- that I still knew-- but I could not even see God. God's Grace had always taken care of me, but, suddenly, I felt like He was gone! I was so down, I could not sing during those long days, not even in church when I was surrounded by music. I lost the ability to give thanks for what I did have, because I was in total darkness, and felt blind and helpless.

I knew that I could not continue to rescue myself, all alone, as I had for my whole life. I needed Something more; Someone stronger.  Somehow, I had to get closer to God. I spoke to a priest and he told me to go to chapel everyday and talk to God. What came out of that was a desire to convert.

During this process, I kept "hearing" the Scripture: "Only say the word, and I shall be healed." That is the call to Communion.

Christians believe that the Eucharist commemorates the body and blood of Christ, who sacrificed Himself for us. Catholics believe that, in the Eucharist, we receive Christ Himself, and through this sacrament, become more Christ-like and more open to God.

Where once I was a child, and I was unaware of how much I needed God's Grace to protect and guide me; now, I have become an adult and I need to actively seek the strength of the Lord.

In receiving the Eucharist, we purposely seek and find all that Jesus has to offer: His strength, His peace, His comfort and compassion, His healing. The Eucharist is balm for the soul, medicine for the heart.

We are human, we cannot rescue ourselves forever. We NEED Jesus and we need to seek Him. We need the Grace that God gives us, both through Himself, and through His Son.

I have spoken in past weeks about the Bread Of Life. I have written about what the Bread of Life is NOT: it is not anger, it is not wealth, it is not ego, it is not the high of wine or illicit substances, it is not fame or high position or unbridled power.

What we hunger for is far beyond what earthly food can satisfy. Our earthly longings are only temporary. When we feel dissatisfied inside, what we are longing for, really, are eternal gifts such as Love, peace, Truth, healing. What we hunger for is. . . .God Himself! The only source of eternal nourishment is Jesus Himself, His Body and Blood. He gives us the grace and the strength that we need, not only to get through this life, but to wait in hope for the next life.

[Related Postings: "Bread of Life", August 4, 2012; "Taught By God", August 13, 2012"; " Holy Body and Blood of Christ", June 7, 2012].

(c) The Spiritual Devotional, 2012. All Rights Reserved.