I Want To See God

" As Jesus and His disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving Jericho, a blind man, Bartimaeus was sitting by the roadside begging. When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, 'Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!' Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more. Jesus stopped and said, 'Call him.'  So they called to the blind man, 'He's calling you!' Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus. The blind man said,  'Teacher, I want to see.'  'Go,' said Jesus, 'your faith has saved you.' Immediately, he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road." [Mark 10: 46-52].

"I want to see."

Simply by asking-- actually by persisting, despite the rebukes-- Bartimaeus receives his sight. He regains his physical sight, to be sure. In addition, by his faith in "the Son of David", Bartimaeus receives his spiritual (in)sight. Immediately after Bartimaeus receives his sight, he follows Jesus.  

How many of us today can say, "I want to see God"??

We say, 'I want a lot of money in my bank account'.

'I want expensive clothes, so that people will think that I am "somebody". '

'I want a powerful title at work, so people will step back when I walk past, and stare at me in awe.'

Not me. I have spent my entire life trying to see God. Often I did not know it at the time, or appreciate it. But all that wondering and longing was really a faith that a Higher Power was out there somewhere, and could help me when I was in need.

When I was about five, my grandmother, (when she was able to get me alone), would try to teach me the Lord's Prayer. I was pretty quick, so I memorized it fairly easily. But the words were too big and sophisticated for me. What did "hallowed" mean, anyway? Or, "trespasses"? And where was this "Kingdom" they were talking about?

I found that God was not in a rote prayer, that was not readily understood in a  real-life way.

When I was ten, my beloved grandfather died. I was supposed to be fast asleep the night that they carried him out of the house on a stretcher, after he had had a stroke. I knew that he was still alive, because he was shifting around. But in my heart, I knew that I would never see him alive again. And so, I really did hope to see God one day, so I could see my grandpa again.

When I was thirteen, my mother and grandmother told me that I had almost died before I was born. It was then that I knew that there IS a God, because He made sure that I was here, and that I was given this life; even though the grown-ups pretty much changed the subject when I brought up God, and squirmed uncomfortably in their seats.

I realized that I would not always find a true sense of God in the adults around me. It seemed, as a child, that I was the one more in tune with needing to find Him. I wanted to seek to another adult who could talk to me about God, but I did not even bother to ask to see the priest in town. I knew that the answer my family would give me would be,' No.'

When I was fourteen, my grandmother died. My parents stopped taking me to church. I thought that, in doing so, they could take God away. I thought that by refusing to take me to church, they could take my faith away.

And yet, as a young adult, years later-- especially at times of trauma and crisis in my life-- I came to pray, and God answered me! I saw that God is not just in church, and He does not reside exclusively with the priest (although these are irreplaceable venues and persons in which to find God.)

At one time of immense crisis in my adult life, when it felt as if the world had gone black, I thought that God was gone. I raced to the parish priest and he told me, gently, 'God is NOT gone. He never leaves you. You are just too busy.'

I began to talk to God more regularly, and in a heartfelt way; and not by rote prayer. God came racing back to my side.

It was then that I decided to convert. I wanted to seek God in a more meaningful way. I wanted to see the workings of God in my everyday life. But as I began to pray to God daily, all the pain of my past came surging forth, so searing a pain, that it blinded me temporarily.

As I sought God, though, I began to see His Hand more and more. I began to see the Truth about my life. It was not always the message that I wanted to hear. It was as if I was reliving all of the most deeply traumatic parts of my life, but this time, at least God was fully present and not seemingly hidden from my view.

It was a cathartic conversion, like the Conversion of St. Paul, who went blind temporarily because of a thunderbolt from God; but who gradually saw the scales fall from his eyes. And then he knew the Truth about God. [Acts 9: 1-22].

I began to recognize God in the most miraculous ways. I saw God in the rainbows He sent, when I was at my most anguished. I saw God in the butterfly that actually landed on my hand, the day that I had to leave my mother, after my father's funeral.

I see God in the man my husband is, who holds my hand when I am scared, or who tells me that he loves me. His Love is a soft balm upon the traumas of my cruel childhood.

I see God in the Love in my heart. Since no one ever hugged me or told me that they loved me as a child, this Love must be from God. This Love IS God.

My son asks me, 'Why is God so big?' And He IS big; as big, literally as all the heavens. God is everywhere, and God is nowhere in a definable, physical sense. God is known to us, but ever mysterious.

I am still seeking God. I seek Him everyday.  Do you seek God? Do you see God?

If you invoke His name, you will start to see God everywhere you look. You will "throw off your cloak", that blinds you to His healing presence; then, you too, will truly see, and you will get up and follow Him.

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