Precious Wisdom

" I prayed and prudence was given to me; I pleaded and the spirit of wisdom came to me. I preferred her to scepter and throne, and deemed riches nothing in comparison with her, nor did I liken any priceless gem to her; because all gold, in view of her, is a little sand, and before her, silver is to be accounted mire. Beyond health and comeliness, I loved her and I chose to have her rather than the light, because the splendor of her never yields to sleep. Yet all good things together came to me in her company and countless riches at her hands." [ Wisdom 7: 7-11].

In the upside down and cruel house in which I grew up, I came to care for nothing except for Wisdom; and for God, who was the source of my wisdom.

My mother bestowed no emotional empathy upon me. When I was about four and I fell down the stairs, she told me, "Get up. You are not hurt." Still stunned by my fall, I sobbed, and folded into a crumpled heap at the bottom of the stairs.

When I was about six, I came home and the family dog was gone. My mother had given her away. As I walked back to school, I cried. I wondered what kind of mother I had been given?

When I was thirteen, I came home and my mother had given all my stuffed animals away, the ones who all had their own names and personalities; the "friends" who gave me comfort.

When I was in graduate school, my mother left me alone, in a far away city, after I was the victim of a major crime. I had almost died that day. She told me not to come home.

In my heart, I left my mother that day. She was unable to nurture me.

I tried to love my father, but if I could not eat the dinner put in front of me, there were no substitutes. He told my mother, 'Do NOT feed her anything else.'

My father was either emotionally, or physically absent. Or, he breached parental bounds, tripping over the line. He was unable to protect me. And so, in my heart, I left my father behind, too.

My sibling called me ugly every day. He booby trapped my room, so I could not hide there. When I went outside, he rounded up the neighborhood children to call me names until I ran home in tears. He was unable to befriends me. In my heart, I left him behind, too.

In Mark 10: 28-30, Peter tells Jesus, 'We have left everything to follow You!' And Jesus tells His disciples that, " No one who has left home, or brother, or father or mother for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in the present age, ( homes, brothers, mothers, fields and homes - and with them, persecutions), and in the age to come."

I decided that what I really needed was Wisdom. Then, I would know how to take care of myself and how to protect myself. I thought that if I could sit in my room, and make my homework perfect and read all the books in the library, I would fill myself with Wisdom. I even set about reading the dictionary, believing that maybe some words in there would enlighten me.

But Wisdom came to me in other ways.

My health faltered badly in those years. My chronic lung condition was not treated past my early teens. Some days, I had my health, other days, I felt seriously ill. I learned that one's health may come and go, but Wisdom is always there.

I gave up on riches, because of the way that riches were promised to me as a kind of blackmail to shape my behavior. I was told, "Study this in university, because if you do not, we will stop paying tuition". I studied what they wanted me to, and I also studied what I wanted to; and I was a hundred times smarter.

I was told, "Study the piano and we will pay for lessons and give you a piano." But I said no,
because I did not think I could practice diligently with a price over my head. It is more prudent to make only those promises that you know that you can honestly keep.

Being called ugly every day, I gave up on my "comeliness". I did not want my appearance to become a power struggle. I learned that we are more rightly judged by the love and peace in our hearts, than by appearance alone. I hoped that  the Spirit in my eyes would be beauty enough.

I stayed up late every night until the family was in bed. I thought I had to protect myself, but as I fell asleep, Wisdom watched over me and kept me safe. Wisdom never yields to sleep; She is always there.

I learned to work at keeping the peace in the family. I gave Love where there was strife. I learned to abide by the Wisdom of Love. Those who did not protect me, I nevertheless protected. I learned the true meaning of unconditional Love.

After some years, I finished my schooling. Physically, I left my father and my mother and my sibling and my home to live on my own. But in my spirit, I had left them a long, long time ago.

 And so what did I have in the world, with no mother, no father, no brother, no home? I had seemingly lost everything. But what I also lost was the hard heartedness towards me, the blackmail, the ugly names. What I had gained was Jesus. Now, I also have my God.

Above all, I have Love in my heart and peace, too. And Wisdom? - She is still more precious to me than scepter and throne, riches, priceless gems, gold or silver. I have left everything for Wisdom. I have left everything to follow Jesus.


[Related Posting, "Prayer For Wisdom", July 23, 2011.]

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