Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Rest

"Come to me, all you who are weary and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." [Matthew 11: 28-30].

I have been a fighter all of my life. I am someone who is a survivor, who has lived by my wits, and who has utilized all of my own intelligence and strength to get through whatever life has thrown my way.

I came into this world fighting. While my mother was giving birth to me, she went into distress. I almost died before I was even born.

I come from a dysfunctional family. You know, various addictions in the family; every kind of abuse:  verbal,  physical, and more;  medical neglect; lack of maternal affection (no one ever hugged me or said, 'I love you'); physical neglect such as, some nights I went hungry even though there was plenty of food in the house. There was a fire in a relative's house, chronic flooding in my family home, a suicide in the extended family.

At age five, I would tell my mother in mid-afternoon that I was sleepy, but she would say that I was too old to be tired. I learned to put myself down for naps.

By age ten, I had stopped speaking.

Getting enough to eat was a struggle. I knew that if I did not like what was served at meals, I was not getting anything else to eat. Once, I stuffed myself at the neighbor's house because I knew that I would not like what was being served for lunch, and I would not be given anything else to eat, not even a piece of bread.  When my mother called me in for lunch after I ate my fill at the neighbors', I lied and said I was not hungry. I learned to get my nutrition at neighbors' houses or in the school cafeteria. I hoarded candy in my room.

You can call this being a Survivor. You can call it being a fighter. You can say that in some ways, I raised myself. Whatever you call it, I knew from a young age that I had only myself to rely on.

These were good skills that helped me to survive.The trouble is, some adults in my situation never learn to "turn off" the fighting stance. Even as an adult, safe and secure in my own home, I have been capable of  Fighting Life. I have gone to the supermarket and become practically enraged that they were out of my favorite flavor of yogurt. (It's that fear of not being fed again.)

I have spent my life being treated as someone who is invisible. So if someone cuts me off in traffic, there I am, invisible again. It has at times been enough to ruin my day.

I have spent countless hours, thinking about these events, writing about them in my journal, venting about them with close friends and family. I have wailed that I do not WANT to have had this life of pain, these parents, these traumas.

Unfortunately, I cannot wave a wand at my past and make it go away. And I am no closer to understanding why this all had to happen to me, than I was when I started!

The point is-- at a this point, I have seen enough alcohol abuse in my family and the havoc it wreaked; I have been the brunt of enough verbal, physical and other abuses too traumatic to mention; I have been through enough turmoil over losing my faith, then re-gaining my faith again; I have paid enough of a price for my  health issues that I suffer from, only because of childhood medical neglect; I have been through the recent painful losses of the family members who made such a mess of my life-- and wondered how I could ever mourn them; I have looked at my plate full of food and told myself that no one is going to take my food away today; I have struggled with balancing my need for rest against my survival instinct to push myself to the limit; I have pushed myself to feel confident to speak again.

In the end, I crave Rest! I am humble enough, finally, to understand that I cannot figure all this out on my own. Nor can I achieve healing alone! I am working hard on improving my lot. But some of this is going to take prayer, faith and "giving it to God."

Do YOU fight your life? How much trauma, crisis, anxiety and struggle will it take before you say, "Uncle!" Before you seek the Higher Power in your life to assist you?

I certainly do not mean that you should dig a deep, muddy pit, crawl in it and give up. But if you believe that only you alone can solve all your problems, that everyone else is someone to resist and resent, if you are angry at everyone and anyone because of what trials you have had, then your burden will not be any lighter.

Finally, I am seeing that I can talk to Jesus about all the painful paths in my life. I can ask Him to help me to accept everything that I have endured in my life, with humility and gentleness. I am gradually understanding that acceptance of my past does NOT mean that I have to like it! Finally, I realize that as I seek His ways of humility and gentleness, this is the path that will give me Rest. The path to peace is NOT resentment, undue anxiety, anger, hate, narcissism, greed, etc. . . .

Jesus, in my darkest moments, I pray that I will find with You, your humble and gentle ways. I pray that with You, I will find sacred Rest.

(c) The Spiritual Devotional 2011. All Rights Reserved.

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