Sunday, February 19, 2012

Heal Me

" When Jesus again entered Capernaum, . . .so many gathered that there was no room left, . . .and he preached the word to them. Some men came, bringing to him a paralytic, carried by four of them. Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus and, after digging through it, lowered the mat the paralyzed man was lying on. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, 'Son, your sins are forgiven.'  Some of the teachers of the law were sitting there, thinking to themselves, 'Why does this fellow talk like that? He's blaspheming!  Who can forgive sins but God alone?' Jesus said to them, 'Why are you thinking these things? Which is easier to say: to say to the paralytic, 'Your sins are forgiven', or to say,' Get up, take your mat and walk?' But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins.' He said to the paralytic, 'I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home.' He got up, took his mat and walked out in full view of them all. This amazed everyone. They said, 'We have never seen anything like this.' "  [Mark 2: 1-12].

This parable is another one of the many instances which the scribes and teachers of the law attempt to trap Jesus into blasephemy. The scribes see four men bring a paralyzed man to Jesus for forgiveness. The scribes are aghast, thinking to themselves, 'But only God can forgive out sins!'

Jesus reads their minds. He says to them, essentially, 'You think I cannot forgive sins? I can do more than that! I can heal you!'

I remember being confused about this myself. I grew up in a home with no faith. We attended church but this was only because this was the Right Thing to Do. No one taught me to pray. If my family could not figure things out by solely human effort, we were done. There was no other avenue for hope.

And yet, I sorely wanted to believe what I heard in church, that there is a God and that Jesus loves us. I did not pray much. I felt foolish and self-conscious. But I had a basic longing for a Higher Force, and for a gentle, prophet here on earth, who was Jesus God's son.

Life was difficult for me. Every family relationship that I had was dysfunctional. In those rare times as a child, when I did try to reach out in prayer, I talked only to God. I figured, He was "the boss", kind of like the Chairman of the Board, so to speak, of the Holy Trinity!

I thought I had everything together for the most part. I earned top grades in school, left for college, graduated with honors, went to graduate school. After grad school, I met and married my husband. I even became a mother.

Then my world spun out of control. My father died abruptly. My mother came to live near me and I had to find the strength to care for this frail woman, with whom I had such a complicated relationship. My best friend died, a young mother of two. My mother-in-law died. My father-in-law's health seriously declined.

All the pain of my past came back. I wondered what I had left to hold onto? What was even any good any longer?

I  had been attending church with my husband and son but I had never found the courage to convert. I found myself longing to talk to someone at the church about my faith. Ultimately, I decided to convert.

I was such a mess at that time. I was paralyzed with fear. Everything I had known was gone: my family members, my best friend. My life as I had known it was gone. The only thing left to embrace was the pain.

I thought that by converting, I would simply become closer to God and strengthen my faith. I left Jesus totally out of the equation1 I was not thinking particularly of healing. Like the paralytic, I had shown faith by reaching out to God. I had no idea that I had only to ask!

In one discussion during my conversion, I asked, "Who heals us , God or Jesus?" My mentor looked startled that I did not know this. He said, "Both!"

In the ensuing days, I kept "hearing": "Only say the word and I shall be healed!" I ran to my mentor at the church and asked him, What is this? He said, "This is Jesus, calling to you! This is the call to the Eucharist."

I knew I had to say yes. But there was so much pain, and I also knew that I was defying my family's World Order. They said that the Humans were in charge. I wanted, I needed to believe otherwise.

I was reeling on the day that my best friend died. I decided that it was time to receive the Eucharist. I went to Mass at dawn, in the darkness, to practice receiving Communion, with a tiny congregation, almost alone. I imagined all the wise Catholics in my life-- my mother-in-law, my best friend, my Nana, my cousin-- carrying me up the aisle to Jesus. I could feel their presence.

I realized in that moment that in order to heal, you must ask!  But you also need others in the community to carry you.

I was able to go up to receive the Eucharist at my best friend's funeral. Then, the next Mass or so, I sort of fell apart. I got massive "stage fright".  A mentor said to me, "We have gotten you from crawling to walking. C'mon, you can do this!" With my husband and my son surrounding me, I was able to resume receiving the Eucharist at each Mass.

I have heard others say about me, "Your faith has saved you." It is true. Unlike the paralytic, I am not instantly cured, but I am healing, a little more each day, with prayers to God, with Jesus' loving presence and with the strong arms of those who help me along.

What would you do-- running, crawling, being carried aloft, breaking through a roof, shouting, climbing a tree, praying deep from the heart --- to get to Jesus?  How would you ask for healing?

[Related post: The Touch of Love, February 11, 2012].
(c) The Spiritual Devotional 2012. All Rights Reserved.

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