Coming to Believe

" What do you think? There was a man who had two sons. He went to the first and said, 'Son, go and work today in the vineyard.'   'I will not', he answered, but later he changed his mind and went. Then the father went to the other son and said the same thing. He answered, 'I will, sir', but he did not go. Which of the two did what his father wanted?" [Matthew 21: 28-31].

I have one son, but sometimes, I think I have two sons, he so often acts like two opposite creatures,with two minds.

Recently, I asked my son to go out and water my flowers, while I went to the market to pick up some milk for him. His answer? "No!" I was angry with him for being so disrespectful. I said, "I hope to see a better attitude when I get home!" I went to the market. When I came home, the flowers were watered.

I asked my husband, "Did YOU water the flowers for me?" My husband said, "No, our son did."

Needless to say, although I did not care for our son's initially poor attitude, I was thrilled that he came around. I praised him for his obedience.

But sometimes, I tell my son that he has played his computer games long enough and he needs to turn off the game and do his homework. What I get is, "Yess, Momm!" His tone is absent-minded. His voice is faint, not very convincing. I can tell that he is "yes-yessing" me. He has no intention of turning off the computer game. Anytime soon.

He is telling me yes, but he means no. This infuriates me. He is patronizing me, treating me like he knows better; giving me false hopes; even failing to tell the truth.

I read this Scripture and I think, how modern the Bible is. Every parent who has received a patronizing, 'Yes, mom', knows the despair at hearing this delaying tactic.  How do you think God feels when we tell Him yes, but we have no intention of being obedient? Or somehow we never get around to doing it?

Which son would you rather be? As terrible as it is to say no to God, I would rather be the first son.

In fact, I have been like the first son for most of the years of my faith formation. When I was young, I buried my faith because I did not dare stand up to my family, who did not believe in church or religion.

After awhile, I had ceased attending church for so long, I almost started to believe my family's rhetoric that there was no God and that church was a waste of time, and was only for sinners.

Then I married a Christian and a Catholic. I dutifully went to church with him but never seemed to get around to converting. I was an official fence-sitter when it came to actually choosing a church and a religion.

I was a faithful church-goer without a religion  for literally decades. I don't know what I was thinking, that God would just go away and leave me alone? Even my  young son had conversations with me about choosing a church so I could receive the Eucharist. My sweet young son was worried about my soul, my relationship to God!

Finally, finally, after the sudden death of my father, after facing the death of my best friend and the terminal illness of my mother--- FINALLY, I went to the pastor and complained that I could no longer see God! And this is the process that brought me from the depths of despair, to conversion.

God is so generous, that He will take your no's for a very long time. He will wait for you as long as it takes; and He will accept you with joyous and loving arms when you are finally ready to say yes -- even if you are the worst sinner, even if you try to ignore Him for most of your life, even if  you have serious doubts about your faith for decades.

The point is, that God loves you for making the right decision in the end. He expects us to be imperfect in our love for Him, we are human. He also expects us to change and grow over time. He ardently wishes for us to turn to Him, despite our doubts, despite our fears, despite our inability to sometimes even see that He is there. Or maybe, He desires us to turn to Him because of all these challenges!

God, I thank you for your generous love for me, even if I may doubt You, or fear becoming closer to You, or fail to appreciate Your constant devotion. Thank You for the powerful opportunity to change my mind!

(c) The Spiritual Devotional 2011. All Rights Reserved.