" Now Thomas, one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, 'We have seen the Lord!' But he said to them, 'Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it.' A week later, his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked [for fear of the Jews], Jesus came and stood among them and said, 'Peace be with you!' Then he said to Thomas, ' Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it in my side. Stop doubting and believe.' Thomas said to him, 'My Lord and my God!'. " [John 20: 24-28].
This Reading has often been dubbed "Doubting Thomas". For those of us who seem to be "born skeptics", this Scripture is all about us!
Sometimes I reread this Scripture and it seems to be all about fear and doubt. So often, I have hated my doubt. I have been so anxious that my doubt is a bad sign, an indicator of a lack of faith. I am afraid that I will spiral down in my doubt and drown in it, that my doubt will take me to a dark place from which I will never escape.
WHY do I have to doubt? After all, Jesus says in this reading, "Blessed are those who have seen and yet have believed." [John 20: 29]. How come I cannot always believe, without seeing?
Then I cringe, because certain family members of mine have mocked Catholics for their "blind faith." They insinuate that being a Christian means that you are gullible, perhaps not even intelligent enough to think for yourself. So is it better to be a "thinking Christian" after all?
I think back to the times, in my doubt, that I have asked God for a sign, for some sort of proof. Or even tested him with a challenging question. I would pray, 'If you are really God, why can't you make this happen?' Then, I would wonder, am I being too childish to ask for a sign? After all, as an adult, I should simply believe, without needing constant reassurance from God.
And yet, I have, in fact, requested signs. And God, being as Merciful and Loving a Father as one could imagine, has responded. I like to think of this as His Divine Mercy, reassuring me that He is still there-- and in charge.
I think back to the time when I thought I would never become a mother. One fine spring day, I was feeling very down about this. I went outside to the porch, to gather up the flowers I had laid out in a bunch to dry. On one of the stems was a ladybug. Immediately I gasped and thought, "Our Lady!" I gained some hope at that moment. Was this a sign.? Was I supposed to banish my doubt and believe? Many years later, our son was born. . . .
In this Reading, Thomas wants a sign, he wants proof. I take comfort from the fact that the doubter is a disciple. So. . . .I am not faithless, or sorely lacking in Love for Jesus, if I doubt. Even a disciple has doubted. It is okay if I doubt from time to time, as well.
As much as I can perhaps make peace with my doubt, I can also see that Jesus' wounds are a very visible, but gruesome proof of His love for us. I read about Thomas seeing the nail marks, putting his fingers there and placing his hands in Jesus' side and I wince. Jesus' wounds are real!
The wounds are painful to see. But the wounds also are the Truth. The wounds show graphically the full extent of Jesus' sacrifice for us. The wounds are the proof of Jesus' Love.
In this space, I have shown you my wounds. But, I do not wish to dwell on my wounds. I do not want to "live there", surrounded only by my pain and fractured sense of self. No, I show my wounds in order to show proof of the power of God's redemptive Love. Without the love of God, I would remain irrreparably wounded. I might not even be alive.
Do you show the world YOUR wounds? Not to whimper, or to bemoan your broken-ness. But to exhibit your sacrifices for Love? To prove how you have overcome your wounds through following Jesus? I tell people that the wrinkles developing around my eyes are "battle scars", and I am not ashamed of them!
One year during Lent, I heard a talk by Brother Loughlin Scofield. He said that our wounds ARE our gifts! That sounds odd, even backwards. The example he gave was from a church directory. This booklet listed parishioners' talents and gifts. But these were listed as, "Cancer Survivor", "Heart Attack", "Widower" etc. How can these be gifts? Because all these people who suffered, also drew strength from God. Because all these people have so much more wisdom to give others now!
I also think of St. Paul who said: "Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest in me." [2 Corinthians 12: 9]. My wounds, my doubt, invite God in!
God, I am only human and therefore, I doubt. I pray that I may see my doubt, my weaknesses and my wounds, as powerful gifts that draw me closer to You and to Jesus, Your Son.
[Related posting: "Doubt", May 1, 2011]
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