My Transformation

" Jesus took Peter, John and James with Him and went up to the mountaintop to pray. As He was praying, the appearance of His face changed, and his clothes became as bright as a flash of lightning.  Two men, Moses and Elijah, appeared in glorious splendor, talking with Jesus. Peter and his companions were very sleepy, but when they became fully awake, they saw His glory and two men standing with Him. As the men were leaving Jesus, Peter said to Him, 'Master, it is good for us to be here. Let us put up three tents -- one for You, one for Moses and one for Elijah.' . . . While he was speaking, a cloud appeared and enveloped them, and they were afraid as they entered the cloud. A voice came from the cloud, saying, 'This is my Son, whom I have chosen; listen to Him.' " [Luke 9: 28-36].

I remember when I was in high school. I was a quiet, even shy student. I usually studied for hours each night and I knew all the answers to the questions spoken by the teacher. But because of the cruel home in which I grew up, I dared not raise my hand in class, even if I knew the answer.

By Senior year in high school, I was aware enough to recognize how stilted and awkward I was. I came back at the start of Senior year, announcing to all my friends that I had changed. No longer was I going to be that young, quiet student whom no one noticed or cared about. In fact, I was no longer "me". Everyone who cared to look would see that there was a new "Me". I would be bubbly, chatty and popular.

Except that I wasn't.

I thought that I could become transformed simply by wishing it were so. Simply by announcing it to the world. My transformation did not happen.

My family had always emphasized that education was the key to becoming an awesome person. I doubled my efforts on homework. I was at the top of my class. My high grades set me apart. I was still miserable.

In my childhood home, I was not fed, I was called ugly everyday, I was called a failure, I ceased to speak, I barely slept, I ate little. I thought that I could be transformed simply by leaving home. I spent little time at home in those growing up years. I would even go outside and sit alone under a bush or tree to escape. But there was no real escaping the abuse at home.

I went away to university and even farther away to graduate school. I thought I would transform by going to a different state, even to a different region. But I still had to come home for holidays. And I was still treated the same way at home.

After my schooling, I obtained a job. I set up my own apartment. I thought by having my own address and phone number, a title at work, a professional wardrobe, and a paycheck, that I would be transformed. But, I still felt as if I had no place in the world; that I belonged to no one and to nothing.

I got married. Thank You, God for sending my amazing husband, my soul mate and my partner for life. Only he did not transform me. No, no human could transform me, or could heal the deep wounds that I had endured.

We had a son some years later. I thought that motherhood could transport me to a spiritual place so special and so very soulful. And it is true, being a mother has been an honor and a privilege. But it is my son who needs ME to be there for him. I cannot lean on him for my own healing.

Then, in a one year period, my father, my best friend, my mother-in-law and my mother died. I was overwhelmed.

I never had undergone that transformation that I had been seeking since I was a teen. And now, my world was crumbling. We think that all the people around us, even those who hurt us deeply, will be there forever. When they depart, it is like experiencing a tornado. There are no ceilings left, no walls, no floor.

The structure that was my life had been leveled. What was left?

I say to you that what was left for me was Jesus. And God.

 I ran to my pastor in a panic, and told him that I was in a terrifying freefall. I blurted out that I needed to be closer to God-- and maybe I wanted to convert?

He sent me to the chapel to meditate and to pray. In essence, he was sending me to the mountaintop.

I have not literally seen Jesus, with His face changed, and his clothes brilliantly white. But I have prayed and meditated. I joined Bible Study. And ultimately, I converted.  My First Communion, I was terrified, much like the disciples Peter, James and John when they were in the cloud.

As time has gone on, and I have prayed to Jesus and have striven to follow Him each day, people have started to notice a change in me. A friend says, "You are transforming before my very eyes; becoming stronger, more confident, speaking with conviction, joining in on conversations and in church activities.And it is totally awesome to see!"

My transformation has not been without fear and doubt. Often, I still feel as if I am in a cloud. Sometimes, I am not sure of what I am seeing. Or where I am going. Still, I have times when I refuse to speak because I am overwhelmed or am in awe. By following Jesus, like Jesus Himself, we are never guaranteed a pain-free life.

St. Paul said: " Our citizenship is in Heaven. We eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ who, by the power that enables Him to bring everything under His dominion, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like His glorious body." [Ephesians 4: 20-21.]

I do accept the authority of Jesus in my life now. He is God's Son, with whom God is well pleased.  And Jesus does have the power to transform us, if we only will listen to Him!



[Related postings: " Transfiguration", March 20, 2011; " Transfiguration of Christ", March 5, 2012.]


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