The Courage To Speak

" The word of the Lord came to me, saying, "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you were born, I dedicated you, a prophet to the nations I appointed you."   "Ah, Sovereign Lord", I said, "I do not know how to speak. I am only a child."  The Lord said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you", says the Lord.  Then, the Lord reached out His hand and touched my mouth and said to me, " Now I have put my words in your mouth. . . . But do you gird your loins; Stand up and tell them all that I command you. Be not crushed on their account, as though I would leave you crushed before them, for it is I, this day, who has made you a fortified city, a pillar of iron, a wall of brass, against the whole land. . . ., against its priests and people. They will fight against you, but not prevail over you, for I am with you to deliver you", says the Lord. [Jeremiah 1: 5-9, 17-19].

I do not feel strong. Even as a child -- no, especially as a child-- I felt crushed in spirit.

My family would not feed me, either with nourishing food; or with food for the soul, by prayer or attendance in church.  I decided to tell myself that I was not hungry, but I was telling myself falsehoods, so that I would not feel the pain of suffering with such deep emptiness inside.

If they spoke against me, I would cry, and then things would take a bad turn, and I would feel the sting of their physical blows. My anguished cries only made matters worse. And so, I buried my emotions alive. I never knew the Scripture, " The Lord is close to the broken-hearted, those who are crushed in spirit, He saves." [ Psalm 34: 18].

I gave up on speaking aloud against them. But if my mother or father stated that they "worship the Almighty Dollar", I would say silently to myself, "You mean, Almighty God."  If they refused to say Grace before meals, I would silently thank God for whatever food had been provided.

I shut down my emotions in order to protect myself physically from harm. I ceased to speak against them. I was already eating little. I was keeping watch at night in my bed, until everyone was asleep. Soon enough, I was not feeling anything, I was not eating, I was not sleeping, I was not speaking at all.

My family tried to teach me that there was no God. They believed that everything that a human  accomplishes, he succeeds in solely by human effort. It did not occur to me to pray and ask God for help. I did not even know how to pray.

I know now that, if I had been able to speak to the Lord then, like Jeremiah, I would have said to Him, ' I do not know how to speak. I am only a child.'

Even at a young age, all I knew is that, like Jesus in Luke 4: 21- 30, I had to get out of there. I was not physically safe. I had to plan my escape. In this story in Luke, Jesus goes to preach in his own home town. But Jesus is disparaged as only "Joseph's son".  And so, Jesus tells the crowd, " No prophet is accepted in his own town." When Jesus tells the crowd that, in Israel, " the sky was closed for three and a half years, and there was a severe famine", He was really speaking of how the townspeople were spiritually closed to Him.

The people's reaction was to drive Jesus out of town, and attempt to hurl Him off a cliff.

I started saving money for my escape when I was 13. I hoarded this money, not spending it on frivolous delights like candy or new clothes. By age 18, I had left an escape kit at my best girldfriend's house -- an old washcloth, a toothbrush, some pajamas-- in case I had to leave my parents' house suddenly.

I did leave home. I went to college. Miraculously, I got married.

After years of attending Catholic churches but pretending not to be a Christian, I finally decided to choose a church and  to convert. This was after my mother moved near us, following my father's death. I finally understood that in order to take my mother back, and to minister to her in her waning years, I would need the strength of God on my side. I could finally look at myself in the mirror and admit that I am NOT strong. Yet, I was no longer scared of that, because I finally understood that there is a God and I am NOT alone.

 But still, although no longer a child, I could not openly stand up to my mother. As I was undergoing conversion, my mother was all the while ripping apart Christians, calling them hypocritical losers and sinners, and gullible sheep. And my reaction was to hide my gold cross under my shirt collar and stash my Bible up in my bedroom and sneak off to the parish for religious instruction.

My mother died not knowing that I had become a Christian, and a Catholic to boot (her worst nightmare).

But, during conversion, I happened upon the Scripture in Jeremiah. I memorized the lines: " Be not crushed on their account. I will not let you be crushed before them. I have made you a fortified city, a pillar of iron, a wall of brass. They will fight against you, but they will not prevail over you, for I am with you." I would repeat this Scripture to myself and it gave me courage.

I had fought my family for my whole life. Or, rather, they had fought me. 

I had often despaired during those years. I feared that there was no God. I began, after some time, to want to believe in God. But I wondered where He was? Had He left me? Was I alone?

It turns out that God was there all along. He was at my side and He was guiding me. I had been knocked down many times.

But I am not crushed.

"For when I am weak, then I am strong." [ 2 Corinthians 12:10]. I am not strong on my own, but it is God who makes me a fortified city, a pillar of iron, a wall of brass.

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