Doubt

"On the first day of the week, when the disciples were together, with the doors locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came among them and said, 'Peace be with you!' . . . The disciples were overjoyed when they saw the Lord. Thomas was not with the disciples when Jesus came.  So the other disciples told him, 'We have seen the Lord!'. Thomas said, 'Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my  finger where the nails were, and put my hand in his side, I will not believe it.' A week later, the desciples were in the house again and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked,  Jesus came and stood among them and said, 'Peace be with you!' [John 20: 19-26].

Jesus then showed his wounds to Thomas, and said to Thomas, 'Stop doubting and believe!'

Thomas said to him: "My Lord and my God!"

The first time I read this Scripture, I thought, really, Thomas is in Big Time Trouble here! As Christians, especially as Catholics, we are not supposed to doubt, are we? We are supposed to have blind faith, the kind of faith that is pure and totally holy -- uncorrupted by any shred of doubt or fear.

I always read this passage as kind of a scolding from Jesus. He ends by saying, "Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.".

I was not raised in faith and I was arguably not even raised a Christian (I WAS taken to church but those who grew up attending church only by rote and not by deep belief, know what I mean.) So my Faith has taken various dips and turns and unexpected routes.

As a small child, I suppose I could suspend my disbelief. After all, Santa was "real", and to me witches were "real", especially around Halloween. So this business about Jesus dying and going to Heaven for us, it all seemed terribly serious. To the extent I even understood all those big words. But I was willing to take it all at face value.

Then I became a teenager and a Professional Cynic. I did not seem to need God. From there, it was a fairly short leap, from an uneasy faith, to wondering why Jesus would bother to "save" us this way. What did I need saving from anyway?  And before you know it, for a time, I was questioning if God even existed.

And I had grown up with family telling me that God was the Province of the Desperate. That is, only those folks who had absolutely nothing else going for them-- no intelligence, no money, no friends or family, no job, no education-- would turn to God for help.

But it seemed that God simply waited for me. He waited me out! God is infinitely patient, isn't He? And sure enough, I realized that life was vastly more painful and complicated for me than I at first thought. Instead of wondering if God existed, I began wondering, Why DIDN' TGod exist? Instead of wondering what I needed saving from, I wondered who this Jesus was who could save me? I began to go from fear and doubt, to Hope!

Now I see this Scripture as a story of the great Gift of Doubt. Sure, it is much better if we can believe without seeing.

But not all of us can do this. If we are not strong enough, insightful enough to believe without seeing, we can sit with our doubt and see what comes of it.

Doubt makes us so very human. It is no good wishing we were more divine, more perfect. We ARE human. We DO doubt. We DO fear.

In my times of great fear, wishing I had the courage to reach out with blind faith and become closer to Jesus, I have found myself wondering if Jesus could come to me. Could He come and reassure me, rescue me? If  I feel blind and lost, and if I withdraw in my doubt and fear, like the disciples in that locked room, can Jesus come to ME?

With great joy, I have discovered in this Scripture, that, yes, Jesus CAN come to me! He can find me even if I am hidden away in doubt and fear. He can find me wherever I am. He can even walk through doors and walls to get to me.

And now I also see that, in a way, this Doubt is a Gift, because it is an opening that invites Jesus to come to me, to bid me "Peace", to encourage my faith in Him.

Doubt is a gift, because Jesus is so eager for us to believe in Him and to follow His Way, that He is willing to come to us, unbidden.  He is willing to be so human as to show us His wounds.  He is willing to help us to battle our doubts by revealing Himself to us!

 As long as we seek that reassurance, that strengthening of our faith, Jesus will come closer to us, offering up His wounds, bidding us Peace.

Lord, may I believe in you without seeing. But if I fear or doubt, I pray that you come to me and invite me closer, to see and to believe!

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