A Healing Spirit

" On the sabbath, Jesus entered the synagogue and taught. In their synagogue was a man with an unclean spirit; he cried out, 'What have you to do with us, Jesus of Nazareth? Have you come to destroy us? I know who You are, the Holy One of God!' Jesus rebuked him and said, ' Quiet! Come out of him!' The unclean spirit convulsed him and with a loud cry, came out of him. All were amazed and asked one another, 'What is this? A new teaching with authority. He commands even the unclean spirits and they obey him.'  [Mark 1: 21-27].

A faith-filled man loses his dear wife and he struggles valiantly to overcome his despair, and to raise their children alone. A young family loses a child tragically to an accidental death; they battle deep doubts about where God is in their lives.  A woman is still haunted from the abuses that she suffered in her youth; she finds herself angry and isolated.

My dear mother-in-law used to say that "We all have our crosses to bear."  I always resisted what she was saying in that expression. I did not want to admit the sins, the pain or the suffering in this world. I did not want to witness these, even in anyone else. They reminded me of my own pain-- a deep, searing flight away from a past that I could not face. I was afraid of the dark spirits inside me, that would surely lead me directly to the sins of anger, doubt, despair, fear, and endless self -condemnation.  And so, I pushed those dark spirits deep down inside.

What I was doing with my dark spirits in those days was to bury them. I "pretended" away the self who was a tiny, scared, cold, hungry, angry, physically insecure, spiritually and emotionally deadened, despairing young girl. That little girl lived inside me as I went through high school and college, found my first job and my first apartment, and met my future husband.

After I got engaged, I remember going to visit the priest in my fiance's parish, one day. We were going there to talk about getting married. I was dressed up in heels and hose and a pretty sweater dress that I had made myself. My new engagement ring glinted in the sun. The Rectory garden looked lovely that bright day in April and as we neared the Rectory entrance, I even caught a glimpse of a fluttering butterfly. Things were perfect, no?

No. Because as the years went on, all the dark spirits from my past, which I had neatly buried, merged with all the ensuing dark times: not very long after we got married, the death of my dear mother-in-law; the house we had to sell at a loss in a bad economy, the anxiety about finding jobs in the economic downturn; the difficulty in becoming parents- which was something we never imagined; a misdiagnosis of cancer- which was terrifying;  the deaths of both my parents and my best friend. All these trials, occurring one after another, over the many years after we married, began to overlap and accumulate and converge.

By a certain point, after all these set-backs, my life felt out of control. I descended into a kind of despair. I was overwhelmed and confused. My world seemed upside down and backwards. Why was I even here on this earth? How could I have suffered so much? The worst part was that I felt that I was in such a dark place, that I had lost sight of God. I was in danger of turning away from my faith.

A wise mentor told me to find a quiet place; and to meditate and reflect. Honestly? I thought he was a bit crazy. Wasn't this a waste of time? Or maybe, just maybe, I was afraid of what would come out. . . I asked him, 'What am I supposed to DO in that quiet place?' He said, 'See what comes out. You may laugh, you may cry, you may simply sit in the silence.'

What came out was astonishing. Horrible repressed memories came out. Excruciating pain. Total, exuberant joy. Deep sadness. The soothing peace of gratitude.

A year or so after I began my daily meditations, I went on a meditation retreat. There, I asked, 'What am I supposed to DO with all this past pain and sins that come out?" The answer is, 'Recite a mantra, in time with your breath. Seek the presence of the Lord.'

I chose a mantra something like, "Come, Lord." I was seeking the healing presence of Jesus, his words, his authority.

The process was described as when the sediment from a river rises to the surface. You watch it rise and float away. You acknowledge it and let it go. When a particular pain or grievous error of mine
surfaces, I examine and release it.

This sounds peaceful. It is not. Like the man in the Scripture above, I find it a convulsive process.  It is cathartic, but very healing. I try not to allow the pain and the sins to cling to me. I give them to Jesus. I ask Him to walk with me.

Seeking Jesus in the quiet can summon the dark spirits from deep within. Only He has the commanding authority to dispel them.

I love the dark, quiet of the chapel now. I know who Jesus is in my life, in my soul now. He is the Holy One of God. I give unto Jesus my tears, my pain, my despair, my hope, my faith, my joy!

(c) The Spiritual Devotional 2012. All Rights Reserved.